Graduation of the Twins

Things seem to be falling in place for C and I. It seems that God works all at once sometimes. We were talking about things last night and were thanking God over and over for everything...but then stopped to remember that even when everything seemed to be going wrong, we were still thankful then. We knew that God had an ultimate plan and it is so nice going through life knowing that we can rest in that fact. Such an extreme sense of peace...because truth be known, it probably will not be long before we have another season in the valley, and in that season we will know that we can trust and rest in HIM! We just sold our home and are planning a trip to KY in a couple of weeks to look for new homes. we feel so blessed that God is making all of this work like clockwork! All praise to Him!

Just for my memory, here is what The Laney Twins are up to this week:

Sunrise, sunset: The babies are having thier first graduation already! Yes, it's true: At 9 weeks pregnant, the twins have left the embryonic stage and are entering the fetal period now (good-bye embryo, hello fetus). They are now about one inch long, the size of a medium green olive (but no martinis, please). The head has straightened out and is more fully developed, the ears are much more prominent, and some new organs (the liver, spleen, and gallbladder) are forming. They are also making spontaneous movements of their arms and legs now that minuscule muscles are beginning to develop, though I won't feel the tiny dancers for at least another two months.

6 weeks, The Most Beautiful Thing...

C and I saw the most beautiful thing we have ever seen in our lives today. C and I were able to see both of the baby's beautiful, strong heartbeats! I started crying. I was in such a blur of emotions...but C said that I said, "I have been waiting my whole life to see that"! C had to run grab the tissues for me, of course. I cannot believe how much they grew in 6 days! You could actually see the little beans and see their little hearts beating. It was truly amazing! They both measured 5 weeks and 6 days...and I am 6 weeks today, so they were right on target...I couldn't believe that they measured the exact same size.

Baby B's sac is sort of behind Baby A...so you can tell that it looks like Baby B's sac is peeking around the side of Baby A's sac. Baby A (below)- the arrows are around the baby

Baby B (below)- at the bottom of the sac.

Baby B's sac is measuring just a tad smaller than Baby A's sac, but the babies are the exact same size. The nurse explained to me that with multiples, the sacs are pushed up against one another- so they will measure differently than a singleton's sac. She assured me that she is the nurse that is "brutally honest" with the patients and she looked at both of us and said that everything looked "textbook perfect" again! Their heartbeats were 110 beats per minutes, which a very strong heart beat! I am completely taken away by the mercy of our God. I just can't stop thanking Him...I feel so honored to carry these little souls and to have the honor and blessing to parent them. C and I just can't stop praising!!!!

Also, today is 6 weeks....

So, here is the weekly info on "The 2 doodles":

Your baby's jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears, and nose are beginning to form what will eventually become one adorable face. In addition, her kidneys, liver, and lungs are developing, and her heart is now beating 80 times a minute (and getting faster every day). All this and she's still no bigger than the length of a nail head (about a quarter of an inch) from crown to rump!

Family

C made a comment to me today that I needed to write down how we told certain people in our family that we were pregnant- b/c we got a few funny responses that we want to remember...so I will record them here:


My Mother: (Grandmother/ Nonna)
I called her while I was waiting for C to get home. I already knew the results and wanted to surprise C with the onesies and such. My mom answered and I nonchalantly said, "Well, I am just walking around the house getting out all of the stuff that I have been saving for 2 years to tell C that he is going to be a daddy"....Mom started hyperventilating and said she needed to get off of the phone so she could start breathing again. ha. She called me back about a minute later- screaming.

My Father: (Grandaddy)
I called him on the phone- he was on his way to Memphis. I told him that he was going to be a grandaddy around the 1st of November. He started giggling and started trying to talk me into having the baby on Oct. 31st (his Bday) ha

C's Mother: (Sue-T)
We called them about a week after we found out. They were in New Zealand until we were able to tell them. It drove us crazy waiting for them to get back so we could tell them. C's mom was so excited and wanted to hear each and every detail.

C's Father: (Chuck)
When we told Sue-T about everything we thought that Chuck was in the room listening- but come to find out, he had his sweet feelings hurt because we didn't tell him personally about the babies on the way. C called him the next day and he started instructing C to start pinching every penny (like he doesn't already ha) sidebar: C is VERY cheap...or shall we say frugal
We then called him back the next afternoon after we found out that the "baby" was really "babies" before we called Sue-T, and he felt important again after that! ha

C's brother Uncle Brad:
C: Well, I have some exciting news for you!
Uncle Brad: IT HAPPENED!!!
C: Yes it did...you are going to be an UNCLE!
Uncle Brad: WHAT...how do you already know it's going to be a BOY???
C: Well, Brad, it doesn't matter if it is a boy or a girl...you are still going to be an Uncle....

ha- we will give him the benefit of the doubt- he was working on 3 hours of sleep from b/c of a big law case in Houston he was working on.

C's brother Uncle Lazer:
C told Lazer the night we told Sue-T. Lazer's response was, "Cool man, congratulations!"...and if you knew Lazer- this would make perfect sense. Lazer started scheming ways that he was going to be the "bad uncle", and C was busy telling him all of the reasons that he would NOT teach his children to do such things (use your imagination)ha...boys will be boys.

This is mainly our way of keeping memories...although I don't think I will ever forget Uncle Brad's response...that will go down in our family history book LOL

Look at what God has done...

For almost 2 years, I have been collecting little things that I wanted to put out when I told C that he was going to be a daddy. Today, the Lord blessed, and I was able to display those precious things on our table. Yes... God has blessed us with a baby on the way! We are simply ecstatic!

I had the white and green onesies made online...
"Mommy and Daddy's Answered prayers"

and just for C..."Worth Every Penny$" ha

this is the little blue onesie in the middle...I saw this about 1 year ago and grabbed it...and yes...this feeling...it was worth the wait!
...and visual proof for C!

Dr. L called me today at around 11:30... I was terrified by the tone of his voice. I prayed for God's grace before I even hit the answer button. He said.."Well, A.... You are pregnant!" I started sobbing and thanking God...Dr. L was laughing. He asked me if I felt like I just won a gold medal at the Olympics...and I said, "This has to be much better than that"!

The nurse then got on the phone to give me all of the specifics and go over all of the meds that I am taking.

My HCG beta level is: 151 (WoW...that is high)

my progesterone and estrogen levels were also perfect.

and for keeping memories...here is a picture of our babies on the day that they were transferred:

and this is a blurry picture of my uterus and the bright white dot on the right of my uterus is the babies at the time that they were transferred:God is SO good...all I have been doing is praising Him all day. I immediately fell to my knees and started thanking Him the minute that I got the news. I still feel like I am in a dream. Somebody pinch me please!

A Prayer...

Nights are quiet...no pitter-patter on the hallway floor, no "night, night, Mommy," no "She hit me first" no bath, bottle or bed-time - only quiet times, empty bedrooms waiting for occasional guests and lonely dreams. Terms like ovulation, follicle, stem shot, egg retrievals and morphology have become household terms.
I have to admit that I never thought that C and I would experience infertility. God loved us too much to say no to such an innocent desire. He watched me play with my life-sized doll named Jennifer. He heard my prayers as I rocked those babies in college while their parents worked. He heard my wishes and dreams as I cared for the children in the neighborhood as a teenager. He watched as I cataloged each and every event in my life into a scrapbook for my future children. He knew that I wasn't doing that for myself. He saw every piece of unworn clothing and unread book that I have bought over the years for these little angels that I just knew that He would send. He sees my longing eyes as I look at the children that I care for daily.
But, after months and months of "no" for an answer, I feel infertile--barren and abandoned. I know for a fact that I am not abandoned- but I feel like I am at times.
So I pray:
Father, I am coming to the realization that you are totally in control of our life. It is hard to grasp at times. There is a longing deep inside of me that sincerely wants to give birth to a child--to be pregnant with C's baby and to be allowed the honored role of mother. Do you hear me? Do you understand my longing? You made me as I am.
You know I have spent hours rocking and caring for other people's children praying for the day that our baby would fill my arms. Father, I know You hear me; Your word promises me that. I also know You know me better than I know myself because You created me. And I know You are aware of my heart's desire. You create life. It is a mystery. Please create life in us!

Transfer

Yesterday was transfer day. C and I got up super early and were ready to go to the 11:30 appointment at around 8:30. ha. We decided to go run a few more errands. We got to the appt. at 11:00...and we waited and waited and waited and waited. At around 1:00- they finally called me back (the transfer was supposed to be at noon). I got all suited up....
and waited, and waited, and waited...please notice the water bottle in my hand. My bladder had to be full to do the procedure- so I was emptying and filling back up over and over and over again until they could finally get me back there. Dr. L was running behind and he wants to do his own transfers, which I respect, so we waited. C snapped this picture of me waiting- I wish I would have gotten one from egg retrieval day with the blood oxygen monitor, IVs and everything...but I have been put in the same bed EVERY time...even last round of IVF...I wonder if they plan that for comfort level, or if it just so happened to be that way.
Our little embryos looked great. Dr. L said that they were not fertilized by ICSI until late afternoon Wednesday- so they were really more like 4 day old blastocysts....I was a little put off my that at first, but Dr. L assured me that both were growing into 5AA blastocysts...they were still growing. So, they are growing inside of me now. I am "with child" until proven otherwise. The blastocysts were already hatching last time, so it through us off this time when we saw that they were not hatching yet. 9 of the other embryos were still doing well and dividing properly. The last little guy (the grade 3) was still struggling, and Dr. L doesn't think he is going to go anywhere from this point, but we are not giving up on him yet. I feel great...just lying around on the couch, enjoying the morning, watching Regis and Kelly. I can't wait to get to work and scan in the pictures of the babies that are inside of me now. Also, they do something different now, they give you a printed picture of the ultrasound where you can see the bright little dot where the embryos are placed in the uterus. very cool! Last time, I got a teddy bear...I would much rather have the picture!
I am working really hard on my attitude. I was so upbeat last time. I just knew that it was going to work. There was no question in my mind. I cannot feel that way this time. I am genuinely terrified of what may happen this time. I know that feeling that way is the exact apposite from how I should feel- but I just simply have to disconnect. I fell so in love last time- I can't do that this time. I just can't . I stared at the ceiling this morning wondering where we would go from here if it doesn't work this time. Can my body even carry a baby? What is the next step? Please, Please, Please thoughts...go away. Let me find a place in my spirit to rejoice in what has happened and rejoice in whatever may happen. I said so many prayers last time...I repeated prayers. C and I read a prayer every night having to do with conception. Those words being read this time make me cringe all over. Why? I guess I am being the bratastic brat that I am, and I am just mad that all of those prayers were not answered...or were they?...and I just don't realize it yet? I like to think of this analogy....When I am teaching, and the kids in my classroom start telling me how to do things, I get so very angry. I say these words, "I am the TEACHER...you are not...you let ME run this classroom." I feel like that is what God is saying to me right now. "I am your MASTER...you are not...you let ME run your life!" To which I lower my head and reply ...."Yes sir".

So.....How are the kids???

Well...mine are just fine, thank you!
Speaking in terms of grades.... my kids are on the "Honor Roll"...maybe I should go out and get a bumper sticker! :)
grade 1- being excellent- textbook perfect.... A+
grade 2- being very good.... A-
grade 3- being good... B
(they are C's babies...of course they are smart!)
3 of our embabies scored an A+
8 of them scored a A-
1 scored a B
So, yes, I am a proud parent of children on the "honor roll"
The embryologist said that the whole "Baker's Dozen" was looking great! 11 of which are doing REALLY great! We won't give up on that 1 little one that is a grade 3 yet! Who knows, he or she could be the next president or a Doctor like it's daddy, or a teacher like it's momma. Only God knows the future of these children. Yes, they are my children in my eyes. I am a firm believer that life begins at conception. I remember crying the 1st time that we did IVF just knowing that for the first time Cal and I truly had a life form from US! I still feel that way and I still feel that the other babies that went to heaven are still a part of us.
When I get to work, I will scan in a picture of those babies on this post. I wasn't blogging on this blog when we lost them , and I do want to have a place to remember them. I know I never met them, but just the same we are connected.
C gave me a card for Vday that had 2 butterflies fluttering through the air. At the bottom...it said "Butterfly Dance". I stared at it for a while and thought of our 2 little butterflies. They fluttered in and out of our lives like 2 little butterflies. We have struggled with what to call the babies that went to heaven in December...and not just the "babies that we lost". They came for a reason, and I got pregnant for a reason. They fluttered in our lives to possibly save the lives of our other future children, by forcing us to do the necessary tests to learn that I am positive for the lupus anticoagulant antibody- that I have a blood clotting and thickening disease, and now we can do something to help with that. They fluttered in and out for a purpose...and that is why now we will refer to them as our "baby butterflies". They will always be with us in spirit.

Report...finally

I do want to recognize the funny congruence with the 17th being the day that C and I got married, the egg retrieval being on the 17th and 17 eggs being retrieved....funny! Well, I FINALLY got the fertilization report on those 17 eggs last night at 6:30. I carried my phone around with me all day, and of course, right when I left my sewing room and walked downstairs, the phone rang and I didn't hear it! ahhhhhh Fortunately, they called C's phone directly and the IVF nurse was ready to give us the news.

So, here it is....

Out of the 17 eggs, 13 were mature and out of those 13...12 fertilized.

So now we have, what C likes to call, "A Baker's Dozen".

Here is what our 12 little babies look like right now:
such cute little blobs....

Resting!

Yesterday, I had my egg retrieval. The last time I had an egg retrieval, it was not bad at all. I was even up and cooking dinner that night after retrieval. We were only able to retrieve 8 eggs that time....but this time, we were able to get 17 eggs!!!! That is good, considering that out of that 8, only 3 made it to transfer day, and only one made it to cryopreserve. So, I am thinking we will have a few more to cryopreserve. Along with those 17 eggs came a TON of extra pain while trying to retrieve. I could actually feel the needles going into my ovaries. The last thing I remember is the nurse shooting more "happy" medicine into my IV. After the procedure, I must have been wondering where C was, because the nurse kept saying, "Here he is, hun...here he is". Sweet C had to go take care of his side of the job while I was in surgery. I am not sure how he can mentally do that. C was fabulous taking care of me after the procedure. My blood oxygen monitor kept going crazy beeping every time that I would drift asleep after the surgery, and C kept making me wake up and take deep breaths. It would start beeping every 5 seconds. C was so sweet and stood there beside me for I don't know how long monitoring my breathing. Good thing he is a Doctor. ha. C had to go into the bathroom with me and dress me. I really don't remember getting dressed or the ride home. I do remember C going into CVS to get me crackers, sprite, and phenergan. The phenergan knocked me right out and I was able to sleep it off.
Since this is my way to document and remember everything, I am going to put a diagram up of what exactly egg retrieval looks like:
There is a monitor that goes in that is an ultrasound and then a needle goes through my uterus and into my ovaries. The follicles are then emptied of fluid and the egg obviously leaves with the fluid as well. I had 20 follicles and of those 20 we were able to obtain 17 eggs. I guess that is why today, I am feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. Really worse, it feels like I have been ripped open. It did NOT hurt at all last time- just a mild cramp. Obviously, every time is different.

I am excited that we got a better number this time though. I am at work now (teaching Kindergarten), and I am NOT being the best teacher that I can be. The kids are at Art class, and I am going to let them play at centers the rest of the day when they get back. We are planning something special for C- who is coming up to visit tomorrow on his birthday! The kids are soooooo excited!

Transfer will be on Monday, the 22nd of Feb. God has His hand on all of this...we are resting in Him.

My Normal...

I am hurting so so bad. I have 20 mature follicles and my estradiol is almost 3,000! OMG- For estradiol, they like to see at least a level of 200 for each mature follicle- so what does that tell you about my 3,000! oh my- my ovaries hurt! ha I am REALLY happy though that my body seems to be responding so much better this time. Here is a picture of what my ovaries look like:

and here is what a non-stimulated ovary looks like at the time of ovulation:

Do you see that ONE little stimulated follicle... WELL...I have TWENTY of those! ha

I am going in for my egg retrieval in the morning at 10:45. I can't eat anything after 12:00 tonight. With my retrieval being so late, I probably should eat something right before midnight tonight. That is only if I can stay up that late! I have been going to bed at around 7:00 or 7:30- and falling RIGHT to sleep. My body must be super busy!

C and I had supper club last night with some friends. We were having a great time after dinner just sitting and chatting, when, guess what? I had to leave early, because I had to do my timed trigger shot and I felt like I was going to fall asleep right there in that chair. I feel abnormal- I really feel like I am disabled sometimes, although I know that is not the case. I keep thinking that I want my life to be "normal" again. But, what is normal? Maybe this IS my normal. My normal is leaving dinner parties before everyone else to go give myself shots. My normal is looking at every mother and wondering if she truly knows how blessed she is. My normal is waking up every morning wondering what God has in store next. My normal is freaking out over the cost of meds and then having to listen to my husband throw a hissy about it, then apologize about it later. My normal is wanting to cry every time a parent doesn't show up for their child's parent/teacher conference because they are proving to me that they do not know the blessing that they have. My normal is watching bellies grow all around me and wondering if I will ever feel the beautiful feeling of my belly stretching and little movements inside of me. My normal is looking on the computer every day to see if yet another person is due to give birth to their own miracle, and then holding back the tears with the happiness that I truly do have for that person. My normal is friends starting to not call, people stopping listening, and family obviously getting tired of the ride that I am on. Well, I am getting tired too people. I am not talking about it anymore, I am putting on a smile and when the pregnant friend that works in the room beside me turns her head and looks away when talk of infertility is broached- I will smile- knowing that she just doesn't know- she will never know. My normal is making me thankful and I am grateful for that!

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds. James 1:2

Happy Valentines Day

I went BACK to the Doctor this morning. They measured my follies and they I qualified to trigger tonight, but given my past history of only 8 eggs retrieved last time- Dr. L decided to have me stem one more night and trigger tomorrow night. I will have to go back into the office in the morning for anther ultrasound. I have successfully been up the ART program 3 days in a row. I will have my egg retrieval on Feb. 17th. I like the "17th"- C and I were married on the 17th. We have always had something for the number 7. (I started stem meds on the 7th hmmm). So, another round of stem meds tonight and back to the Doctor's office in the morning. Thank GOD for an understanding boss. I just don't know what I would do without the people that I work with . They have been utterly amazing!


C and I had a great Vday- the church service was great and C even got to miss all of the singing that those Baptists do. haha C brought me a dozen roses, chocolates and a sweeeet card. We had a great lunch at SUMO and I had an afternoon of monogramming. An all around good Sunday afternoon. Oh...and Ava got to go to the beauty shop- although she does NOT like the beauty shop like I do! ha