Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness week. I want to stop and take a moment to acknowledge all of the women that are struggling with infertility and/or loss. I do not ever want to get so wrapped up in this pregnancy that I forget what it took to get us here. It wasn't one night of passion, let me tell you that. Literal blood, sweat and tears went into this process. It is a process that will always be a part of me. It will always be a part of my soul. I will always feel a kindred spirit between me and other ladies that are suffering. Honestly, I still feel infertile. I get in in comments like, "Did you have twins naturally?" "Do they run in your family?" to which I answer simply, "Yes, my grandfather was a twin." It is none of their business how I am having twins...the only thing that matters is that God has blessed us with twins...however they got here! A comment really made my pregnancy feel less important the other day.... "Well, a friend of mine has twins on the way, I am not sure if it was IVF or the real way." Do people think that every twin pregnancy is an IVF pregnancy, and are my babies not REAL??? They most certainly ARE real! They were put here by God. They are little gifts from God that to me.... one night of passion could never encompass the love, devotion and sacrifice that it took to get them here. I will always be a part of the "infertile club"...it is a club that I would have NEVER joined on my own free will, but it is a club that I am now SO very proud to be member of. We understand the pain, the guilt, the solitude, and my prayer is that every woman that involuntarily joins this club learns the deep sense of gratitude for having been given the gift to join. I would have never truly sensed the beauty and awe of God's grace and the Faith that it takes to walk behind Him. There are so many things that I would have taken for granted without infertility...and for that, I am grateful.

Graduation of the Twins

Things seem to be falling in place for C and I. It seems that God works all at once sometimes. We were talking about things last night and were thanking God over and over for everything...but then stopped to remember that even when everything seemed to be going wrong, we were still thankful then. We knew that God had an ultimate plan and it is so nice going through life knowing that we can rest in that fact. Such an extreme sense of peace...because truth be known, it probably will not be long before we have another season in the valley, and in that season we will know that we can trust and rest in HIM! We just sold our home and are planning a trip to KY in a couple of weeks to look for new homes. we feel so blessed that God is making all of this work like clockwork! All praise to Him!

Just for my memory, here is what The Laney Twins are up to this week:

Sunrise, sunset: The babies are having thier first graduation already! Yes, it's true: At 9 weeks pregnant, the twins have left the embryonic stage and are entering the fetal period now (good-bye embryo, hello fetus). They are now about one inch long, the size of a medium green olive (but no martinis, please). The head has straightened out and is more fully developed, the ears are much more prominent, and some new organs (the liver, spleen, and gallbladder) are forming. They are also making spontaneous movements of their arms and legs now that minuscule muscles are beginning to develop, though I won't feel the tiny dancers for at least another two months.

6 weeks, The Most Beautiful Thing...

C and I saw the most beautiful thing we have ever seen in our lives today. C and I were able to see both of the baby's beautiful, strong heartbeats! I started crying. I was in such a blur of emotions...but C said that I said, "I have been waiting my whole life to see that"! C had to run grab the tissues for me, of course. I cannot believe how much they grew in 6 days! You could actually see the little beans and see their little hearts beating. It was truly amazing! They both measured 5 weeks and 6 days...and I am 6 weeks today, so they were right on target...I couldn't believe that they measured the exact same size.

Baby B's sac is sort of behind Baby A...so you can tell that it looks like Baby B's sac is peeking around the side of Baby A's sac. Baby A (below)- the arrows are around the baby

Baby B (below)- at the bottom of the sac.

Baby B's sac is measuring just a tad smaller than Baby A's sac, but the babies are the exact same size. The nurse explained to me that with multiples, the sacs are pushed up against one another- so they will measure differently than a singleton's sac. She assured me that she is the nurse that is "brutally honest" with the patients and she looked at both of us and said that everything looked "textbook perfect" again! Their heartbeats were 110 beats per minutes, which a very strong heart beat! I am completely taken away by the mercy of our God. I just can't stop thanking Him...I feel so honored to carry these little souls and to have the honor and blessing to parent them. C and I just can't stop praising!!!!

Also, today is 6 weeks....

So, here is the weekly info on "The 2 doodles":

Your baby's jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears, and nose are beginning to form what will eventually become one adorable face. In addition, her kidneys, liver, and lungs are developing, and her heart is now beating 80 times a minute (and getting faster every day). All this and she's still no bigger than the length of a nail head (about a quarter of an inch) from crown to rump!

The results...

Everything looked PERFECT!

Today, I am 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant...

HCG beta level- 2762

Progesterone- 54

Estrogen- 529

Since my levels are above 1500, they know that they will be able to see the sac, so they want me to come in on Thursday for our first ultrasound!!!! YAY!!!!

OK- C and I play a lot of number games around here... we have fun making connections and we also believe that our God is a God of order, so it is neat to see how the numbers all add up! ;)

I will go ahead and say that in our relationship and in my life...the number 7, 11, and 17 come into play A LOT!

egg retrieval- 2-17-10 (2+1+7+1+0= 11) & 17 eggs retrieved

transfer- 2-22-10 (2+2+2+1+0= 7)

pregnancy test day- 3-3-10 (3+3+1+0=7)

HCG beta on 1st pregnancy test- 151 (1+5+1=7)

Repeat HCG beta- 2762 (2+7+6+2= 17)

Now that you think that we are officially crazy....you have to admit it is kinda strange! With God, there is no coincidence

Disarm Fear

I just had to copy this to keep for my own journaling purposes... I am now waiting again for a phone call from the Dr. to see if my levels are going up as they should- Why am I so nervous?

Facing Fear
“You alone are to be feared. Who can stand before you when you are angry?” Psalm 76:7 NIV

Fear certainly is something on most people’s minds these days. With terrorists attacks, wars, earthquakes, stock market troubles, and Hollywood’s unending supply of fear-based entertainment, Americans and many others in the world have plenty of inspiration for fear.

What exactly is fear, anyhow? Fear is like “negative faith” and is based on doubt that God is still in control of things. It suggests that the current situation has gotten too big for even God to recover from…that evil has finally gained the upper hand in things and that hope of good triumphing has vanished or at least, is not certain.

I believe that God wants us to exercise our faith in the face of every fear-filled circumstance we face in life. I’m certain that most of us face some type of fear every day. It could be the fear of death, the fear of failure, the fear of getting fired, the fear of breaking secrecy, the fear of our marriage dissolving, the fear of financial ruin, the fear of persecution, or many others. God calls us to evaluate every situation from the mindset that he is Lord over all things in heaven and on earth. The word says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV).

This doesn’t mean that the devil will stop killing, stealing and destroying, but it does mean that ultimately justice will be carried out by God in his timing. If we’re trusting in God, we need not fear anything in the list above…even being killed by a terrorist, because our identity is as a son or daughter of God for eternity. We can take comfort in God’s words to us in these troubled times, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10 NIV).

Questions for further thought:
What are some of the sources of fear in your life? I was so afraid that I would never become pregnant- I gave that to God and now I am scared about the pregnancy.
What are two of your greatest fears?
- losing the baby
- me doing something to hurt the pregnancy
What is the truth about those fears, especially considering your identity as a son or daughter of God in Christ?
- God is in charge- He knows what is best for me no matter what. He has the BEST plan, and I need to rest in that. I am HIS daughter and He wants the best for me and C. God has not given us a spirit of fear!
How does faith in God disarm fear?
Faith in God disarms fear by simply overcoming the fear due to complete and total reliance. I learned this when I was waiting to find out if I would ever have a baby, and now I am re-learning this as I care for this life inside of me. I have to know that whatever happens, happens because God wants it to happen that particular way. I cannot it will it one way or the other.

Prayer:
“Heavenly Father, I praise you for being God of heaven and earth and everything in them. I thank you that nothing can succeed against you and that you will execute perfect justice in your time. Please forgive me for succumbing to any fear in my life. I see that it is linked to doubting you, and I see that as sin now. Please help me live in the reality that you are Lord over all things and that I am your child and servant. Please help me apply the truth to every area of fear in my life. Thank you for your favor and protection over me that Jesus purchased for me by dying on the cross. I love you, Father. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”

Unseen...

I have had the most amazing morning praising the Lord, crying and thanking Him for what He has done. I can feel that this pregnancy is something that is going to last. God is giving me so much peace. I will have to say that I have to constantly fight the feeling that something might happen. After losing the pregnancy in December, it is much easier to have those doubts. I was reminded this morning the true meaning of FAITH:
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
Things UNSEEN...and believe me, I am having to have A LOT of faith right now that things are going as they should in my body. I am giving this baby all that I can humanly give, but God is ultimately in charge. If it were all up to me...that would really be scary...but it isn't- it is in HIS hands.
I am keeping this blog as an infertility/pregnancy diary. I have only given this address to a select few and if hearing about my pregnancy bores you...then please do feel free to not read. I will probably be redundant and very graphic.
Today, I am 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant. During this week, "doodles" looks more like a tadpole than a baby. He/she already has heart tubes- 2 tiny chanels- and though it is not quite functional, it is already beating! Also, the neural tube, which will become his/her brain and spinal cord. It is not yet closed...but will close by next week. It is so cool to think that a semi-formed heart is already beating inside of me. I can assure you that my heart has already been stolen by this tiny person.
I am feeling great- just a little wave of nausea every now and then. I am so HUNGRY all of the time...that is weird. I wake up every morning at 4:45- STARVING. C said to put food by the bed-side...but I can't stomach eating in the bed- that is just nasty. My breasts are a little tender and sore, but hurt the worst at night. I had a little bit of a metallic taste in my mouth yesterday, but not today. I feel small cramps in my uterus...I know that it is just stretching. It has never done anything like this before. ha. I have to run to the bathroom a lot, and I am VERY tired in the afternoon. Other than that, I am feeling great-I know that it is still early, but I am routing for NO morning sickness! :)
I smile at every symptom. This is such a blessing. I am doing my best to relax and enjoy this. Having Faith in things unseen...

Look at what God has done...

For almost 2 years, I have been collecting little things that I wanted to put out when I told C that he was going to be a daddy. Today, the Lord blessed, and I was able to display those precious things on our table. Yes... God has blessed us with a baby on the way! We are simply ecstatic!

I had the white and green onesies made online...
"Mommy and Daddy's Answered prayers"

and just for C..."Worth Every Penny$" ha

this is the little blue onesie in the middle...I saw this about 1 year ago and grabbed it...and yes...this feeling...it was worth the wait!
...and visual proof for C!

Dr. L called me today at around 11:30... I was terrified by the tone of his voice. I prayed for God's grace before I even hit the answer button. He said.."Well, A.... You are pregnant!" I started sobbing and thanking God...Dr. L was laughing. He asked me if I felt like I just won a gold medal at the Olympics...and I said, "This has to be much better than that"!

The nurse then got on the phone to give me all of the specifics and go over all of the meds that I am taking.

My HCG beta level is: 151 (WoW...that is high)

my progesterone and estrogen levels were also perfect.

and for keeping memories...here is a picture of our babies on the day that they were transferred:

and this is a blurry picture of my uterus and the bright white dot on the right of my uterus is the babies at the time that they were transferred:God is SO good...all I have been doing is praising Him all day. I immediately fell to my knees and started thanking Him the minute that I got the news. I still feel like I am in a dream. Somebody pinch me please!

The Same: yesterday, today and forever

Matthew 6:27
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

I am clinging to this verse today as I wait to hear the results from the pregnancy test. I have no idea what today might bring. It may be one of the best days of my life...or it may be the worst. What a strange feeling to know that one little phone call is going to change my life forever. Whatever the answer is...my life will be different. I am not sure where we will go from here if the answer is no: Will we take a different route in becoming parents? Will we try again? Can I do this again? All of these questions God will answer in due time. I know that I will not be able to answer these questions today. I feel dizzy- like I did on my wedding day. I felt such a peace that day- a peace that passes understanding. I feel that same peace today. It is almost surreal. I didn't feel this way last time. I was in such a tizzy I couldn't even talk. Thank you God for sending your peace. Worry will not change the message that I will recieve on that phone call today- nor will worrying about when they will call. Nothing will change the outcome.
I read this today during devotion time and wanted to post it as to be able to keep it. God is good ALL of the time!

You’ve all seen them. Those commercials that interrupt your favorite
television program. Intimate glimpses into the blissful interactions of parent
and infant. An awestruck toddler discovering the wonder of a frog. A bald,
gurgling baby gleefully splashing as she is bathed in the kitchen sink. Yes, the
voiceover on the commercial is correct. “Having a baby changes
everything.”

Every time I hear that line, I also hear the anguished cry of millions
infertile women: “Yeah? Well, not having a baby changes everything too!”

Infertility brings many life changes. Your dreams change. Your view of your
future changes. Your plans change. Even your vacations change! After all, you
can’t go rock climbing during that dreaded two week wait--just in case!

But there one thing that will never change, even through the ups and downs
of infertility. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

The same Jesus who wept with Mary and Martha when their hearts were broken,
weeps with you as you stare brokenhearted at another negative pregnancy test.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

The same Jesus who wouldn’t let go of Peter’s hand when the storm raged on
is the same Jesus who holds you tight every time someone else announces a
pregnancy. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Through your changed dreams and plans, through the changing seasons of your
infertility, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

He will remain forever steady and unchanging, even as the calendar changes
from month to month and year to year.Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and
today and forever.

I Will!

I have been praying so hard for God to speak to me like He did when I was a little girl. I have been begging daily- but I really haven't been able to grasp on to His voice this week. I have to add on example of how God spoke to me as a little girl.

(One particular instance stands out when I was about 5 years old. I asked God what I could do to not get in trouble in Kindergarten anymore. I remember this like it was yesterday. He said, "Be more tranquil". I had no idea what tranquil meant. My mother also did not know and had to go look it up when I asked her what it meant. He also gave me a really blunt answer when I was not much older than the last event. I remember asking my mom how I would know that God is real. A common question for an inquiring child. I remember my mother telling me that she could not tell me the answer to that question, that God would tell me the answer. "But how will he tell me an answer if I don't even know that He is real?" I remember sitting by myself, and like a slap in the face...the verse popped out at me..."I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last"...Well...there you go...He told me!) I can't say that there hasn't been other times throughout my life that I have wondered...but I have always been able to remember that day. That day that He let me know that He was real- without a shadow of a doubt.)

He spoke to me like that often. Those are just a few examples. What happens as we get older? Do our ears close off to that still, small voice that was so easily heard in childhood? Our ears and spirits are so pure and clean then...is that why it was so much easier to hear? Maybe so- or just maybe as we get older we just forget how to listen. We have so much time in quiet as a child (or at least I did as an only child). Maybe we forget what His voice sounds like. I heard it once during this trial that we are in right now. About a year ago I ran into the bathroom at my school unable to breath from the pain that was going all through me. I had to go somewhere where no one would see me, where no one would ask me if I was OK, and then proceed to tell me "not to worry about it- your time is coming". I couldn't see another child- I couldn't take another step. I felt like my whole world was crashing down on me and it seemed that everyone around me was receiving the only thing that I have ever dreamed of. I sat in the bathroom sobbing when I heard an audible, tangible voice. "You will be a mom". That was it- that is all that I heard and then it was over. A wave of peace swept over me from head to toe and as I cry and type this another wave of peace is sweeping over me now. I also remember lying in bed this summer before we started injections, crying and scared. I was alone. Cal was on-call. I was scared, alone, and confused. I felt the heat and pressure of a Hand on my back as I lie sobbing in bed. Again, the Lord comforted me with such a simple gesture- a gesture that said to me "You are going to be OK." It reminded me of that day in the bathroom.
I have been feeling lately as if the Lord is asking me to be willing to give up the desire to become a mom. I don't mean give it up as in "giving it to Him"...I mean GIVE IT UP- as a sacrifice. Abraham put his only son Isaac on the alter as a living sacrifice. That was the most important thing in the world to him- a son that he waited years for. Am I willing to give up the most important thing to me? The thing that makes up my identity? The only thing that I ever wanted to do "when I grew up" ? I will be honest- I am not there completely. I did sob and tell God that I would go where He leads me. If He doesn't want me and C to be parents- then we will do what He wants us to do. I can't honestly say that I wouldn't be happy about that existence- but God will make me happy. He will do immeasurably more than I can imagine. Those were the hardest words to get out of my mouth- but I said them- and I meant them. "God, if you do not want me to be a mother- then OK- I will do whatever YOU want me to do". I cried and repeated the words "I will". I am praying daily that my desires become His desires. It is so easy to get them confused. I keep remembering the apropos words in the song that was sung at our wedding.

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?

I have heard you calling in the night.

I will go, Lord, if you lead me.

I will hold your people in my heart.

I will not, however, forget the promise that was made to me in that bathroom at work in one of my deepest darkest hours.

A Prayer...

Nights are quiet...no pitter-patter on the hallway floor, no "night, night, Mommy," no "She hit me first" no bath, bottle or bed-time - only quiet times, empty bedrooms waiting for occasional guests and lonely dreams. Terms like ovulation, follicle, stem shot, egg retrievals and morphology have become household terms.
I have to admit that I never thought that C and I would experience infertility. God loved us too much to say no to such an innocent desire. He watched me play with my life-sized doll named Jennifer. He heard my prayers as I rocked those babies in college while their parents worked. He heard my wishes and dreams as I cared for the children in the neighborhood as a teenager. He watched as I cataloged each and every event in my life into a scrapbook for my future children. He knew that I wasn't doing that for myself. He saw every piece of unworn clothing and unread book that I have bought over the years for these little angels that I just knew that He would send. He sees my longing eyes as I look at the children that I care for daily.
But, after months and months of "no" for an answer, I feel infertile--barren and abandoned. I know for a fact that I am not abandoned- but I feel like I am at times.
So I pray:
Father, I am coming to the realization that you are totally in control of our life. It is hard to grasp at times. There is a longing deep inside of me that sincerely wants to give birth to a child--to be pregnant with C's baby and to be allowed the honored role of mother. Do you hear me? Do you understand my longing? You made me as I am.
You know I have spent hours rocking and caring for other people's children praying for the day that our baby would fill my arms. Father, I know You hear me; Your word promises me that. I also know You know me better than I know myself because You created me. And I know You are aware of my heart's desire. You create life. It is a mystery. Please create life in us!

What is a mother?

Mother: (by definition in Webster's dictionary)- "a female parent; a woman in authority; the superior of a religious community of women; an elderly woman; bearing the relation of a mother; to give birth to; to give rise to; to care for or protect like a mother.

WOW- this tells me that "motherhood" has to do with a lot more than the physical act of giving birth and raising a child. In doing my devotion this morning, I read a chapter out of my book called "Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility" about "the course of time" that occurs while waiting to become a mother. The message that I received was to be the "mother" that I can be now to the children that God puts into my life now until (and beyond) the day that C and I are blessed with a child in our home.

I read a story about a woman that had never married. She avoided the Mother's Day service at her church for 7 years because she so longed to be called a mother. She had dreamed of being a mother all of her life. The Sunday came when she felt that it was time to attend that dreaded "Mother's Day" service as a tool to aid in her own healing as a woman that would never become a mother. (she had recently had a hysterectomy in her early 40s) She forced herself up the steps of the church and into the parlor where she was greeted by an eager young boy handing out flowers to all of the mothers. She politely turned down the flower, telling the young boy that she was indeed, not a mother. She turned around with tear filled eyes to go up to the balcony when a woman her age, stopped her and said, "You most certainly ARE a mother- you are a spiritual mother and mentor to my daughter". The woman waved the little boy back over to the barren woman and with hands shaking- she accepted the flowers. She enjoyed, that day, her very first mother's day service.

God is telling me to be a mother now! I know that my life is full of children daily- but I am also so very irritated daily to have to work with these children, when all that I want is one of my own. So, no matter the outcome of this cycle, I have got to walk back into that classroom and love those children like they are my own...because, right now, they are.

My thoughts at random...

...in no particular order.

Yesterday I started getting ready for transfer day! The big day is tomorrow! I have been hurting so bad since the egg retrieval and had no idea why. Well, last night, I drank a huge thing of coconut juice (a natural laxative) and some milk of magnesia...and I found out why I had been hurting. TMI I know! So- now I feel like a new person...still a little sore, but not in severe pain anymore. That is nice. I went to a birthday party yesterday for the boys next door. It is their 3rd birthday. They were infants when we moved here. How does time fly by so fast? I couldn't stay long because I was in pain (physically and emotionally) There were babies everywhere and children. I don't know why it hurt so bad considering that my day to day life is spent with children. My job IS children...so how do I deal? To be honest, my job hurts too, but I digress. So, I went to the party and saw the boys in the shirts that I made for them. I monogram. I learned how to do so for my future children. I am ready to monogram something for them. It hurts when I monogram. Once again, I digress. The party was super cute and "firetruck" themed. I left early to go run errands to get ready for the big transfer day tomorrow. I stocked up on several TV series that I have been wanting to catch up on, but never have the time. Well, looks like next week, I will have time. I am going to stay on modified bed rest for the rest of the week. Due to the nature of my job, which is most certainly NOT a desk job, I am using days that I have accumulated to stay at home until the pregnancy test. Considering that we spent almost half of my yearly salary on these IVF attempts- it seems that all cautions should be taken. I am excited about the break, but being on bed-rest is not at all glamorous...it is, in fact, boring. I am fully prepared this time, though. I have magazines galore, books and tons of DVDs! I am going to try to stay on a schedule though. I am planning on having my devotion time in the morning and letting that time last more than 15 minutes...a luxury that I do not have on a normal daily basis. I will read books and the Bible until lunch time, then watch DVDs...as to not have my brain completely fried by watching non-stop TV. I am hoping that those babies are doing well up at "embryo daycare". I am doing much better this time about not worrying. I think it is truly because, I have realized that I have nothing to worry about when God is in charge. I have been OH so relaxed this time (aside from the excruciating pain post egg retrieval). He has really laid His sweet hands on me and I can feel it. I can feel the power of His presence and His will for our life unfolding out in front of us. It will be amazing to see all that He is going to do. When will He do it? Well, that is not a question for us to ask...

Resting!

Yesterday, I had my egg retrieval. The last time I had an egg retrieval, it was not bad at all. I was even up and cooking dinner that night after retrieval. We were only able to retrieve 8 eggs that time....but this time, we were able to get 17 eggs!!!! That is good, considering that out of that 8, only 3 made it to transfer day, and only one made it to cryopreserve. So, I am thinking we will have a few more to cryopreserve. Along with those 17 eggs came a TON of extra pain while trying to retrieve. I could actually feel the needles going into my ovaries. The last thing I remember is the nurse shooting more "happy" medicine into my IV. After the procedure, I must have been wondering where C was, because the nurse kept saying, "Here he is, hun...here he is". Sweet C had to go take care of his side of the job while I was in surgery. I am not sure how he can mentally do that. C was fabulous taking care of me after the procedure. My blood oxygen monitor kept going crazy beeping every time that I would drift asleep after the surgery, and C kept making me wake up and take deep breaths. It would start beeping every 5 seconds. C was so sweet and stood there beside me for I don't know how long monitoring my breathing. Good thing he is a Doctor. ha. C had to go into the bathroom with me and dress me. I really don't remember getting dressed or the ride home. I do remember C going into CVS to get me crackers, sprite, and phenergan. The phenergan knocked me right out and I was able to sleep it off.
Since this is my way to document and remember everything, I am going to put a diagram up of what exactly egg retrieval looks like:
There is a monitor that goes in that is an ultrasound and then a needle goes through my uterus and into my ovaries. The follicles are then emptied of fluid and the egg obviously leaves with the fluid as well. I had 20 follicles and of those 20 we were able to obtain 17 eggs. I guess that is why today, I am feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. Really worse, it feels like I have been ripped open. It did NOT hurt at all last time- just a mild cramp. Obviously, every time is different.

I am excited that we got a better number this time though. I am at work now (teaching Kindergarten), and I am NOT being the best teacher that I can be. The kids are at Art class, and I am going to let them play at centers the rest of the day when they get back. We are planning something special for C- who is coming up to visit tomorrow on his birthday! The kids are soooooo excited!

Transfer will be on Monday, the 22nd of Feb. God has His hand on all of this...we are resting in Him.

My Normal...

I am hurting so so bad. I have 20 mature follicles and my estradiol is almost 3,000! OMG- For estradiol, they like to see at least a level of 200 for each mature follicle- so what does that tell you about my 3,000! oh my- my ovaries hurt! ha I am REALLY happy though that my body seems to be responding so much better this time. Here is a picture of what my ovaries look like:

and here is what a non-stimulated ovary looks like at the time of ovulation:

Do you see that ONE little stimulated follicle... WELL...I have TWENTY of those! ha

I am going in for my egg retrieval in the morning at 10:45. I can't eat anything after 12:00 tonight. With my retrieval being so late, I probably should eat something right before midnight tonight. That is only if I can stay up that late! I have been going to bed at around 7:00 or 7:30- and falling RIGHT to sleep. My body must be super busy!

C and I had supper club last night with some friends. We were having a great time after dinner just sitting and chatting, when, guess what? I had to leave early, because I had to do my timed trigger shot and I felt like I was going to fall asleep right there in that chair. I feel abnormal- I really feel like I am disabled sometimes, although I know that is not the case. I keep thinking that I want my life to be "normal" again. But, what is normal? Maybe this IS my normal. My normal is leaving dinner parties before everyone else to go give myself shots. My normal is looking at every mother and wondering if she truly knows how blessed she is. My normal is waking up every morning wondering what God has in store next. My normal is freaking out over the cost of meds and then having to listen to my husband throw a hissy about it, then apologize about it later. My normal is wanting to cry every time a parent doesn't show up for their child's parent/teacher conference because they are proving to me that they do not know the blessing that they have. My normal is watching bellies grow all around me and wondering if I will ever feel the beautiful feeling of my belly stretching and little movements inside of me. My normal is looking on the computer every day to see if yet another person is due to give birth to their own miracle, and then holding back the tears with the happiness that I truly do have for that person. My normal is friends starting to not call, people stopping listening, and family obviously getting tired of the ride that I am on. Well, I am getting tired too people. I am not talking about it anymore, I am putting on a smile and when the pregnant friend that works in the room beside me turns her head and looks away when talk of infertility is broached- I will smile- knowing that she just doesn't know- she will never know. My normal is making me thankful and I am grateful for that!

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds. James 1:2

The Call....that we all dread

This morning, I went in for my follicle "check up". I am having a much better response this time than last IVF. Dr. L was really disappointed with my only having 8 eggs retrieved. This time, I already have 8 that are measurable and it is only stem day 7, which means that I have only had 6 days of meds. I give my shots in the afternoon. Here is what a day in my life looks like:

I borrowed this image from a friend's blog- who is going to the same Dr. as me- and we pretty much have the same protocol. (She is pregnant now- by the way! YAY) All of this is going to be so worth it. We know that. We have no doubts that God is at work. But, like I said, with my new definition of Faith- it doesn't matter if it works this time of not- all that matters is that we are doing what we feel led to do and God will Bless us no matter what- whatever happens will be His plan- and I am OK with that now! :)

I do want to rant a bit about something that happened this morning while sitting in the fertility clinic. It was 8:00 in the morning and my "big sister" - we will call her "AP" from my sorority from college is calling me- I knew immediately what the news was going to be- I am sure that you already know too while reading this. This girl is the most superficial person I have ever met in my life. She broke her neck while in college and I moved in with her to help her. She kicked me out of her house after I paraded myself and my boyfriend down to New Orleans to watch her and her arrogant self be the Mardi Gras queen of whatever crew she was in. I left the ball early because my sick boyfriend needed to go home. She got mad, and literally kicked me out. Needless to say, our relationship never revitalized- but we still talk. She apologized half-heartedly some years later at my "twin-sister's" wedding (twin sister in the sorority- AP had two "little sisters" if that makes sense). I, of course, accepted the apology. C and I traipsed down to her wedding where we were barely acknowledged. AP and her husband have suffered many ups and downs in the past 2 years- they have even gotten a divorce, tried to sale their home, fought over alimony, were unfaithful to one another, and ended up back together. So, now that I have caught up to speed to who exactly AP is...I will go back to the story at hand. So, she called this morning while I was sitting in the very quiet waiting room at the fertility clinic and screamed at the top of her lungs (you guessed it) "I'M PREGNANT!!!" I think every eye in that room turned to me with despair, because trust me, everyone heard what she said. Some looks said, "get out of this waiting room with that awful phone call", and some looks said, "poor thing- I know what you are feeling". I chose to focus on the latter of the looks and take the phone call out in the hallway. I acted excited and did all that I could to not burst out in tears. I told her of our recent miscarriage- and she proved to have not grown up one bit. She said, "Oh really- well I am so excited. I just had 2 positive pregnancy tests- and those things don't lie".

Oh, really....

Well, for her sake, I really hope that they don't.

Some would say, "What a cruel joke, I can't believe you received that phone call in the middle of your appointment at the fertility clinic."

I say, "God is making me stronger with each second of every day- He must have a lot in store for me and C"

a lot has happened...

...since i last wrote on this blog- i seemed to have forgotten of it's existence. I really tried to keep my mind off of everything. I tried to "come out" as an infertile on my family blog- but then had too many random people coming up to me at dinner parties that I really didn't want to know about our situation proclaiming that they have been "praying" for us. I was thinking in the shower the other day- "Wait- you started a blog in April under C's name that is perfectly private"- yay! I need a place to vent and I can't talk about this to anybody anymore- not even my mom really- she starts in preaching about "getting in the backseat" (a proverbial place to be while God is driving the car) - I get it- I really do, and I am sitting back there- I have been sitting back there for a LONG time now- and I want to stay back there for the rest of my life and let HIM drive- Let's just say, I don't really like the way He is going right now, I think that he should have gone a different way- but my thoughts are not HIS thoughts and my ways are not HIS ways. But, you know what, I know that He is going the right way, because He would never take me the wrong way- I am learning a whole new meaning of Faith through this- I want to really be able to expound about that on this blog. Faith to me used to be saying a prayer and truly believing that He would answer it- Faith no longer means that to me anymore. Faith is not believing that He can, or He will, or even that He has the ability- it is SIMPLY- resting in the fact that He has your life in the palm of His hands- no specific prayer has to be said- nothing- because I DON'T HAVE TO! God already has it all perfectly laid out for us. All we have to do is rest in the that fact- THAT is what Faith is- just a total peace in what God has planned for your life- "letting go of the proverbial steering wheel- and relaxing in His presence". It doesn't matter what I do, say or think- God's will for our life will come to pass- and it will be good- it will be immeasurably more than we could have asked for or imagined. I view it like this- When we do have these children- I am going to want those children to be able to lay their heads down on their pillows every night and know that I am going to take care of them- they have not a thing to worry about, because mommy and daddy are going to take care of it- those children will have faith in us to provide for and to care for them. That is all that God wants of us- He just wants us to know that He will provide for us and care for us- he wants us to relinquish control- it is that simple (but really hard to do). I just re-read the post that I put up in April- it is almost funny- I was so bitter- it is amazing how much God has done in my my life and how much I feel like I have grown since just last April. Reading that post is like reading something that somebody I don't even know wrote- wow- I do not even know that girl from April of 09.

I have caught up my side-bar as to all that has happened between April and now. We have been through more injections, IUIs (inter uterine insemination's), and more pain. I thought for sure by now the pain would be over- but it is not.
We went through our first IVF (in-vitro fertilization) in December of last year. We were able to get pregnant with a precious baby- but lost the baby soon after we learned of he or she's existence. We did learn from that pregnancy, a life-changing fact from a series of tests that were ran. We did a full thrombosis panel- and come to find out I tested positive for the lupus anticoagulant antibody and a protein S deficiency- both of which clot and thicken my blood. This is a very possible reason that we lost baby "A".
I am now on IVF cycle number 2 and just got back from an ultrasound to check my progress. I will start my blogging from that point.