he transfer was supposed to be at noon). I got all suited up....and waited, and waited, and waited...please notice the water bottle in my hand. My bladder had to be full to do the procedure- so I was emptying and filling back up over and over and over again until they could finally get me back there. Dr. L was running behind and he wants to do his own transfers, which I respect, so we waited. C snapped this picture of me waiting- I wish I would have gotten one from egg retrieval day with the blood oxygen monitor, IVs and everything...but I have been put in the same bed EVERY time...even last round of IVF...I wonder if they plan that for comfort level, or if it just so happened to be that way.
Our little embryos looked great. Dr. L said that they were not fertilized by ICSI until late afternoon Wednesday- so they were really more like 4 day old blastocysts....I was a little put off my that at first, but Dr. L assured me that both were growing into 5AA blastocysts...they were still growing. So, they are growing inside of me now. I am "with child" until proven otherwise. The blastocysts were already hatching last time, so it through us off this time when we saw that they were not hatching yet. 9 of the other embryos were still doing well and dividing properly. The last little guy (the grade 3) was still struggling, and Dr. L doesn't think he is going to go anywhere from this point, but we are not giving up on him yet. I feel great...just lying around on the couch, enjoying the morning, watching Regis and Kelly. I can't wait to get to work and scan in the pictures of the babies that are inside of me now. Also, they do something different now, they give you a printed picture of the ultrasound where you can see the bright little dot where the embryos are placed in the uterus. very cool! Last time, I got a teddy bear...I would much rather have the picture!
I am working really hard on my attitude. I was so upbeat last time. I just knew that it was going to work. There was no question in my mind. I cannot feel that way this time. I am genuinely terrified of what may happen this time. I know that feeling that way is the exact apposite from how I should feel- but I just simply have to disconnect. I fell so in love last time- I can't do that this time. I just can't . I stared at the ceiling this morning wondering where we would go from here if it doesn't work this time. Can my body even carry a baby? What is the next step? Please, Please, Please thoughts...go away. Let me find a place in my spirit to rejoice in what has happened and rejoice in whatever may happen. I said so many prayers last time...I repeated prayers. C and I read a prayer every night having to do with conception. Those words being read this time make me cringe all over. Why? I guess I am being the bratastic brat that I am, and I am just mad that all of those prayers were not answered...or were they?...and I just don't realize it yet? I like to think of this analogy....When I am teaching, and the kids in my classroom start telling me how to do things, I get so very angry. I say these words, "I am the TEACHER...you are not...you let ME run this classroom." I feel like that is what God is saying to me right now. "I am your MASTER...you are not...you let ME run your life!" To which I lower my head and reply ...."Yes sir".
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