Transfer

Yesterday was transfer day. C and I got up super early and were ready to go to the 11:30 appointment at around 8:30. ha. We decided to go run a few more errands. We got to the appt. at 11:00...and we waited and waited and waited and waited. At around 1:00- they finally called me back (the transfer was supposed to be at noon). I got all suited up....
and waited, and waited, and waited...please notice the water bottle in my hand. My bladder had to be full to do the procedure- so I was emptying and filling back up over and over and over again until they could finally get me back there. Dr. L was running behind and he wants to do his own transfers, which I respect, so we waited. C snapped this picture of me waiting- I wish I would have gotten one from egg retrieval day with the blood oxygen monitor, IVs and everything...but I have been put in the same bed EVERY time...even last round of IVF...I wonder if they plan that for comfort level, or if it just so happened to be that way.
Our little embryos looked great. Dr. L said that they were not fertilized by ICSI until late afternoon Wednesday- so they were really more like 4 day old blastocysts....I was a little put off my that at first, but Dr. L assured me that both were growing into 5AA blastocysts...they were still growing. So, they are growing inside of me now. I am "with child" until proven otherwise. The blastocysts were already hatching last time, so it through us off this time when we saw that they were not hatching yet. 9 of the other embryos were still doing well and dividing properly. The last little guy (the grade 3) was still struggling, and Dr. L doesn't think he is going to go anywhere from this point, but we are not giving up on him yet. I feel great...just lying around on the couch, enjoying the morning, watching Regis and Kelly. I can't wait to get to work and scan in the pictures of the babies that are inside of me now. Also, they do something different now, they give you a printed picture of the ultrasound where you can see the bright little dot where the embryos are placed in the uterus. very cool! Last time, I got a teddy bear...I would much rather have the picture!
I am working really hard on my attitude. I was so upbeat last time. I just knew that it was going to work. There was no question in my mind. I cannot feel that way this time. I am genuinely terrified of what may happen this time. I know that feeling that way is the exact apposite from how I should feel- but I just simply have to disconnect. I fell so in love last time- I can't do that this time. I just can't . I stared at the ceiling this morning wondering where we would go from here if it doesn't work this time. Can my body even carry a baby? What is the next step? Please, Please, Please thoughts...go away. Let me find a place in my spirit to rejoice in what has happened and rejoice in whatever may happen. I said so many prayers last time...I repeated prayers. C and I read a prayer every night having to do with conception. Those words being read this time make me cringe all over. Why? I guess I am being the bratastic brat that I am, and I am just mad that all of those prayers were not answered...or were they?...and I just don't realize it yet? I like to think of this analogy....When I am teaching, and the kids in my classroom start telling me how to do things, I get so very angry. I say these words, "I am the TEACHER...you are not...you let ME run this classroom." I feel like that is what God is saying to me right now. "I am your MASTER...you are not...you let ME run your life!" To which I lower my head and reply ...."Yes sir".

So.....How are the kids???

Well...mine are just fine, thank you!
Speaking in terms of grades.... my kids are on the "Honor Roll"...maybe I should go out and get a bumper sticker! :)
grade 1- being excellent- textbook perfect.... A+
grade 2- being very good.... A-
grade 3- being good... B
(they are C's babies...of course they are smart!)
3 of our embabies scored an A+
8 of them scored a A-
1 scored a B
So, yes, I am a proud parent of children on the "honor roll"
The embryologist said that the whole "Baker's Dozen" was looking great! 11 of which are doing REALLY great! We won't give up on that 1 little one that is a grade 3 yet! Who knows, he or she could be the next president or a Doctor like it's daddy, or a teacher like it's momma. Only God knows the future of these children. Yes, they are my children in my eyes. I am a firm believer that life begins at conception. I remember crying the 1st time that we did IVF just knowing that for the first time Cal and I truly had a life form from US! I still feel that way and I still feel that the other babies that went to heaven are still a part of us.
When I get to work, I will scan in a picture of those babies on this post. I wasn't blogging on this blog when we lost them , and I do want to have a place to remember them. I know I never met them, but just the same we are connected.
C gave me a card for Vday that had 2 butterflies fluttering through the air. At the bottom...it said "Butterfly Dance". I stared at it for a while and thought of our 2 little butterflies. They fluttered in and out of our lives like 2 little butterflies. We have struggled with what to call the babies that went to heaven in December...and not just the "babies that we lost". They came for a reason, and I got pregnant for a reason. They fluttered in our lives to possibly save the lives of our other future children, by forcing us to do the necessary tests to learn that I am positive for the lupus anticoagulant antibody- that I have a blood clotting and thickening disease, and now we can do something to help with that. They fluttered in and out for a purpose...and that is why now we will refer to them as our "baby butterflies". They will always be with us in spirit.