A Prayer...

Nights are quiet...no pitter-patter on the hallway floor, no "night, night, Mommy," no "She hit me first" no bath, bottle or bed-time - only quiet times, empty bedrooms waiting for occasional guests and lonely dreams. Terms like ovulation, follicle, stem shot, egg retrievals and morphology have become household terms.
I have to admit that I never thought that C and I would experience infertility. God loved us too much to say no to such an innocent desire. He watched me play with my life-sized doll named Jennifer. He heard my prayers as I rocked those babies in college while their parents worked. He heard my wishes and dreams as I cared for the children in the neighborhood as a teenager. He watched as I cataloged each and every event in my life into a scrapbook for my future children. He knew that I wasn't doing that for myself. He saw every piece of unworn clothing and unread book that I have bought over the years for these little angels that I just knew that He would send. He sees my longing eyes as I look at the children that I care for daily.
But, after months and months of "no" for an answer, I feel infertile--barren and abandoned. I know for a fact that I am not abandoned- but I feel like I am at times.
So I pray:
Father, I am coming to the realization that you are totally in control of our life. It is hard to grasp at times. There is a longing deep inside of me that sincerely wants to give birth to a child--to be pregnant with C's baby and to be allowed the honored role of mother. Do you hear me? Do you understand my longing? You made me as I am.
You know I have spent hours rocking and caring for other people's children praying for the day that our baby would fill my arms. Father, I know You hear me; Your word promises me that. I also know You know me better than I know myself because You created me. And I know You are aware of my heart's desire. You create life. It is a mystery. Please create life in us!