So.....How are the kids???

Well...mine are just fine, thank you!
Speaking in terms of grades.... my kids are on the "Honor Roll"...maybe I should go out and get a bumper sticker! :)
grade 1- being excellent- textbook perfect.... A+
grade 2- being very good.... A-
grade 3- being good... B
(they are C's babies...of course they are smart!)
3 of our embabies scored an A+
8 of them scored a A-
1 scored a B
So, yes, I am a proud parent of children on the "honor roll"
The embryologist said that the whole "Baker's Dozen" was looking great! 11 of which are doing REALLY great! We won't give up on that 1 little one that is a grade 3 yet! Who knows, he or she could be the next president or a Doctor like it's daddy, or a teacher like it's momma. Only God knows the future of these children. Yes, they are my children in my eyes. I am a firm believer that life begins at conception. I remember crying the 1st time that we did IVF just knowing that for the first time Cal and I truly had a life form from US! I still feel that way and I still feel that the other babies that went to heaven are still a part of us.
When I get to work, I will scan in a picture of those babies on this post. I wasn't blogging on this blog when we lost them , and I do want to have a place to remember them. I know I never met them, but just the same we are connected.
C gave me a card for Vday that had 2 butterflies fluttering through the air. At the bottom...it said "Butterfly Dance". I stared at it for a while and thought of our 2 little butterflies. They fluttered in and out of our lives like 2 little butterflies. We have struggled with what to call the babies that went to heaven in December...and not just the "babies that we lost". They came for a reason, and I got pregnant for a reason. They fluttered in our lives to possibly save the lives of our other future children, by forcing us to do the necessary tests to learn that I am positive for the lupus anticoagulant antibody- that I have a blood clotting and thickening disease, and now we can do something to help with that. They fluttered in and out for a purpose...and that is why now we will refer to them as our "baby butterflies". They will always be with us in spirit.

Report...finally

I do want to recognize the funny congruence with the 17th being the day that C and I got married, the egg retrieval being on the 17th and 17 eggs being retrieved....funny! Well, I FINALLY got the fertilization report on those 17 eggs last night at 6:30. I carried my phone around with me all day, and of course, right when I left my sewing room and walked downstairs, the phone rang and I didn't hear it! ahhhhhh Fortunately, they called C's phone directly and the IVF nurse was ready to give us the news.

So, here it is....

Out of the 17 eggs, 13 were mature and out of those 13...12 fertilized.

So now we have, what C likes to call, "A Baker's Dozen".

Here is what our 12 little babies look like right now:
such cute little blobs....

Resting!

Yesterday, I had my egg retrieval. The last time I had an egg retrieval, it was not bad at all. I was even up and cooking dinner that night after retrieval. We were only able to retrieve 8 eggs that time....but this time, we were able to get 17 eggs!!!! That is good, considering that out of that 8, only 3 made it to transfer day, and only one made it to cryopreserve. So, I am thinking we will have a few more to cryopreserve. Along with those 17 eggs came a TON of extra pain while trying to retrieve. I could actually feel the needles going into my ovaries. The last thing I remember is the nurse shooting more "happy" medicine into my IV. After the procedure, I must have been wondering where C was, because the nurse kept saying, "Here he is, hun...here he is". Sweet C had to go take care of his side of the job while I was in surgery. I am not sure how he can mentally do that. C was fabulous taking care of me after the procedure. My blood oxygen monitor kept going crazy beeping every time that I would drift asleep after the surgery, and C kept making me wake up and take deep breaths. It would start beeping every 5 seconds. C was so sweet and stood there beside me for I don't know how long monitoring my breathing. Good thing he is a Doctor. ha. C had to go into the bathroom with me and dress me. I really don't remember getting dressed or the ride home. I do remember C going into CVS to get me crackers, sprite, and phenergan. The phenergan knocked me right out and I was able to sleep it off.
Since this is my way to document and remember everything, I am going to put a diagram up of what exactly egg retrieval looks like:
There is a monitor that goes in that is an ultrasound and then a needle goes through my uterus and into my ovaries. The follicles are then emptied of fluid and the egg obviously leaves with the fluid as well. I had 20 follicles and of those 20 we were able to obtain 17 eggs. I guess that is why today, I am feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. Really worse, it feels like I have been ripped open. It did NOT hurt at all last time- just a mild cramp. Obviously, every time is different.

I am excited that we got a better number this time though. I am at work now (teaching Kindergarten), and I am NOT being the best teacher that I can be. The kids are at Art class, and I am going to let them play at centers the rest of the day when they get back. We are planning something special for C- who is coming up to visit tomorrow on his birthday! The kids are soooooo excited!

Transfer will be on Monday, the 22nd of Feb. God has His hand on all of this...we are resting in Him.

My Normal...

I am hurting so so bad. I have 20 mature follicles and my estradiol is almost 3,000! OMG- For estradiol, they like to see at least a level of 200 for each mature follicle- so what does that tell you about my 3,000! oh my- my ovaries hurt! ha I am REALLY happy though that my body seems to be responding so much better this time. Here is a picture of what my ovaries look like:

and here is what a non-stimulated ovary looks like at the time of ovulation:

Do you see that ONE little stimulated follicle... WELL...I have TWENTY of those! ha

I am going in for my egg retrieval in the morning at 10:45. I can't eat anything after 12:00 tonight. With my retrieval being so late, I probably should eat something right before midnight tonight. That is only if I can stay up that late! I have been going to bed at around 7:00 or 7:30- and falling RIGHT to sleep. My body must be super busy!

C and I had supper club last night with some friends. We were having a great time after dinner just sitting and chatting, when, guess what? I had to leave early, because I had to do my timed trigger shot and I felt like I was going to fall asleep right there in that chair. I feel abnormal- I really feel like I am disabled sometimes, although I know that is not the case. I keep thinking that I want my life to be "normal" again. But, what is normal? Maybe this IS my normal. My normal is leaving dinner parties before everyone else to go give myself shots. My normal is looking at every mother and wondering if she truly knows how blessed she is. My normal is waking up every morning wondering what God has in store next. My normal is freaking out over the cost of meds and then having to listen to my husband throw a hissy about it, then apologize about it later. My normal is wanting to cry every time a parent doesn't show up for their child's parent/teacher conference because they are proving to me that they do not know the blessing that they have. My normal is watching bellies grow all around me and wondering if I will ever feel the beautiful feeling of my belly stretching and little movements inside of me. My normal is looking on the computer every day to see if yet another person is due to give birth to their own miracle, and then holding back the tears with the happiness that I truly do have for that person. My normal is friends starting to not call, people stopping listening, and family obviously getting tired of the ride that I am on. Well, I am getting tired too people. I am not talking about it anymore, I am putting on a smile and when the pregnant friend that works in the room beside me turns her head and looks away when talk of infertility is broached- I will smile- knowing that she just doesn't know- she will never know. My normal is making me thankful and I am grateful for that!

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds. James 1:2

Happy Valentines Day

I went BACK to the Doctor this morning. They measured my follies and they I qualified to trigger tonight, but given my past history of only 8 eggs retrieved last time- Dr. L decided to have me stem one more night and trigger tomorrow night. I will have to go back into the office in the morning for anther ultrasound. I have successfully been up the ART program 3 days in a row. I will have my egg retrieval on Feb. 17th. I like the "17th"- C and I were married on the 17th. We have always had something for the number 7. (I started stem meds on the 7th hmmm). So, another round of stem meds tonight and back to the Doctor's office in the morning. Thank GOD for an understanding boss. I just don't know what I would do without the people that I work with . They have been utterly amazing!


C and I had a great Vday- the church service was great and C even got to miss all of the singing that those Baptists do. haha C brought me a dozen roses, chocolates and a sweeeet card. We had a great lunch at SUMO and I had an afternoon of monogramming. An all around good Sunday afternoon. Oh...and Ava got to go to the beauty shop- although she does NOT like the beauty shop like I do! ha

The Call....that we all dread

This morning, I went in for my follicle "check up". I am having a much better response this time than last IVF. Dr. L was really disappointed with my only having 8 eggs retrieved. This time, I already have 8 that are measurable and it is only stem day 7, which means that I have only had 6 days of meds. I give my shots in the afternoon. Here is what a day in my life looks like:

I borrowed this image from a friend's blog- who is going to the same Dr. as me- and we pretty much have the same protocol. (She is pregnant now- by the way! YAY) All of this is going to be so worth it. We know that. We have no doubts that God is at work. But, like I said, with my new definition of Faith- it doesn't matter if it works this time of not- all that matters is that we are doing what we feel led to do and God will Bless us no matter what- whatever happens will be His plan- and I am OK with that now! :)

I do want to rant a bit about something that happened this morning while sitting in the fertility clinic. It was 8:00 in the morning and my "big sister" - we will call her "AP" from my sorority from college is calling me- I knew immediately what the news was going to be- I am sure that you already know too while reading this. This girl is the most superficial person I have ever met in my life. She broke her neck while in college and I moved in with her to help her. She kicked me out of her house after I paraded myself and my boyfriend down to New Orleans to watch her and her arrogant self be the Mardi Gras queen of whatever crew she was in. I left the ball early because my sick boyfriend needed to go home. She got mad, and literally kicked me out. Needless to say, our relationship never revitalized- but we still talk. She apologized half-heartedly some years later at my "twin-sister's" wedding (twin sister in the sorority- AP had two "little sisters" if that makes sense). I, of course, accepted the apology. C and I traipsed down to her wedding where we were barely acknowledged. AP and her husband have suffered many ups and downs in the past 2 years- they have even gotten a divorce, tried to sale their home, fought over alimony, were unfaithful to one another, and ended up back together. So, now that I have caught up to speed to who exactly AP is...I will go back to the story at hand. So, she called this morning while I was sitting in the very quiet waiting room at the fertility clinic and screamed at the top of her lungs (you guessed it) "I'M PREGNANT!!!" I think every eye in that room turned to me with despair, because trust me, everyone heard what she said. Some looks said, "get out of this waiting room with that awful phone call", and some looks said, "poor thing- I know what you are feeling". I chose to focus on the latter of the looks and take the phone call out in the hallway. I acted excited and did all that I could to not burst out in tears. I told her of our recent miscarriage- and she proved to have not grown up one bit. She said, "Oh really- well I am so excited. I just had 2 positive pregnancy tests- and those things don't lie".

Oh, really....

Well, for her sake, I really hope that they don't.

Some would say, "What a cruel joke, I can't believe you received that phone call in the middle of your appointment at the fertility clinic."

I say, "God is making me stronger with each second of every day- He must have a lot in store for me and C"

a lot has happened...

...since i last wrote on this blog- i seemed to have forgotten of it's existence. I really tried to keep my mind off of everything. I tried to "come out" as an infertile on my family blog- but then had too many random people coming up to me at dinner parties that I really didn't want to know about our situation proclaiming that they have been "praying" for us. I was thinking in the shower the other day- "Wait- you started a blog in April under C's name that is perfectly private"- yay! I need a place to vent and I can't talk about this to anybody anymore- not even my mom really- she starts in preaching about "getting in the backseat" (a proverbial place to be while God is driving the car) - I get it- I really do, and I am sitting back there- I have been sitting back there for a LONG time now- and I want to stay back there for the rest of my life and let HIM drive- Let's just say, I don't really like the way He is going right now, I think that he should have gone a different way- but my thoughts are not HIS thoughts and my ways are not HIS ways. But, you know what, I know that He is going the right way, because He would never take me the wrong way- I am learning a whole new meaning of Faith through this- I want to really be able to expound about that on this blog. Faith to me used to be saying a prayer and truly believing that He would answer it- Faith no longer means that to me anymore. Faith is not believing that He can, or He will, or even that He has the ability- it is SIMPLY- resting in the fact that He has your life in the palm of His hands- no specific prayer has to be said- nothing- because I DON'T HAVE TO! God already has it all perfectly laid out for us. All we have to do is rest in the that fact- THAT is what Faith is- just a total peace in what God has planned for your life- "letting go of the proverbial steering wheel- and relaxing in His presence". It doesn't matter what I do, say or think- God's will for our life will come to pass- and it will be good- it will be immeasurably more than we could have asked for or imagined. I view it like this- When we do have these children- I am going to want those children to be able to lay their heads down on their pillows every night and know that I am going to take care of them- they have not a thing to worry about, because mommy and daddy are going to take care of it- those children will have faith in us to provide for and to care for them. That is all that God wants of us- He just wants us to know that He will provide for us and care for us- he wants us to relinquish control- it is that simple (but really hard to do). I just re-read the post that I put up in April- it is almost funny- I was so bitter- it is amazing how much God has done in my my life and how much I feel like I have grown since just last April. Reading that post is like reading something that somebody I don't even know wrote- wow- I do not even know that girl from April of 09.

I have caught up my side-bar as to all that has happened between April and now. We have been through more injections, IUIs (inter uterine insemination's), and more pain. I thought for sure by now the pain would be over- but it is not.
We went through our first IVF (in-vitro fertilization) in December of last year. We were able to get pregnant with a precious baby- but lost the baby soon after we learned of he or she's existence. We did learn from that pregnancy, a life-changing fact from a series of tests that were ran. We did a full thrombosis panel- and come to find out I tested positive for the lupus anticoagulant antibody and a protein S deficiency- both of which clot and thicken my blood. This is a very possible reason that we lost baby "A".
I am now on IVF cycle number 2 and just got back from an ultrasound to check my progress. I will start my blogging from that point.