a lot has happened...

...since i last wrote on this blog- i seemed to have forgotten of it's existence. I really tried to keep my mind off of everything. I tried to "come out" as an infertile on my family blog- but then had too many random people coming up to me at dinner parties that I really didn't want to know about our situation proclaiming that they have been "praying" for us. I was thinking in the shower the other day- "Wait- you started a blog in April under C's name that is perfectly private"- yay! I need a place to vent and I can't talk about this to anybody anymore- not even my mom really- she starts in preaching about "getting in the backseat" (a proverbial place to be while God is driving the car) - I get it- I really do, and I am sitting back there- I have been sitting back there for a LONG time now- and I want to stay back there for the rest of my life and let HIM drive- Let's just say, I don't really like the way He is going right now, I think that he should have gone a different way- but my thoughts are not HIS thoughts and my ways are not HIS ways. But, you know what, I know that He is going the right way, because He would never take me the wrong way- I am learning a whole new meaning of Faith through this- I want to really be able to expound about that on this blog. Faith to me used to be saying a prayer and truly believing that He would answer it- Faith no longer means that to me anymore. Faith is not believing that He can, or He will, or even that He has the ability- it is SIMPLY- resting in the fact that He has your life in the palm of His hands- no specific prayer has to be said- nothing- because I DON'T HAVE TO! God already has it all perfectly laid out for us. All we have to do is rest in the that fact- THAT is what Faith is- just a total peace in what God has planned for your life- "letting go of the proverbial steering wheel- and relaxing in His presence". It doesn't matter what I do, say or think- God's will for our life will come to pass- and it will be good- it will be immeasurably more than we could have asked for or imagined. I view it like this- When we do have these children- I am going to want those children to be able to lay their heads down on their pillows every night and know that I am going to take care of them- they have not a thing to worry about, because mommy and daddy are going to take care of it- those children will have faith in us to provide for and to care for them. That is all that God wants of us- He just wants us to know that He will provide for us and care for us- he wants us to relinquish control- it is that simple (but really hard to do). I just re-read the post that I put up in April- it is almost funny- I was so bitter- it is amazing how much God has done in my my life and how much I feel like I have grown since just last April. Reading that post is like reading something that somebody I don't even know wrote- wow- I do not even know that girl from April of 09.

I have caught up my side-bar as to all that has happened between April and now. We have been through more injections, IUIs (inter uterine insemination's), and more pain. I thought for sure by now the pain would be over- but it is not.
We went through our first IVF (in-vitro fertilization) in December of last year. We were able to get pregnant with a precious baby- but lost the baby soon after we learned of he or she's existence. We did learn from that pregnancy, a life-changing fact from a series of tests that were ran. We did a full thrombosis panel- and come to find out I tested positive for the lupus anticoagulant antibody and a protein S deficiency- both of which clot and thicken my blood. This is a very possible reason that we lost baby "A".
I am now on IVF cycle number 2 and just got back from an ultrasound to check my progress. I will start my blogging from that point.