Count Your Blessings!

I started a group a year ago called "Turning Pain into Praise" at my church. That group is now called "Hannah's Friends". I am so grateful that God prompted me to do such a thing. C and I had only been trying to get pregnant for 8 months at the time and I was scared, embarrassed, and humiliated to try to start such a group. It has only been 8 months, are we really infertile? Are people going to think I am crazy? Are there really any other women that would seek comfort in a group like this? I couldn't stop thinking about it though...I knew that God was leading me to do this. Although, we had been trying for what seems now like such a short time- the pain was still the same. The longing was still there, and surely other people had that same longing. I struggle with the group now, because it seems that some people are afraid to come. When people do come it is only about 4 to 5 of us. But- I am started to see through numerous new emails from ladies that are developing the courage to join us and the friendship and bond that has formed now between the ladies that have been coming for a while that this is something that God truly had his hand on. He gave us this group. I am leaving in about 4 months, and I am hoping and praying that someone will want to take over and continue this group at our church. I think it will be so important.
That said...I was thinking about the 1st title that God brought to my heart "Turning Pain into Praise". Isn't that all that He really wants from us...just our praise? It seems that everything in my devotional time with C and my devotion time by myself is pointing to this fact: Praise first...then prayers will be answers...everything else will fall into place when Praise is put first. C and I lied in bed the other night counting our blessings. It was surely an uplifting feeling- we put everything aside and just started thanking God for things in our life.

Count your Blessings...count them one by one. Count your Blessings...see what God has done!

• a wonderful relationship with Christ
• an amazing husband
• wonderful family- a mom and dad that would do anything for me and I for them
• cutest and sweetest Yorkie in the world
• amazing friends! A girl simply could not ask for more when it comes to my friends
• a roof over my head
• food to eat
• an amazing job
• wonderful co-workers
• fabulous principals
• nice cars to drive
• both of us employed
• great job in KY for C to look forward to next year
• an opportunity to not frantically look for a job next year
• a beautiful home and backyard- our little swing overlooking Shannon Valley
• a cozy bed
• warm water
• closet FULL of clothes and shoes....that C would LOVE to see me empty (ha...he can keep dreaming- my mom can attest to that )
• opportunity to relax this week and not have to work while still being paid.
• support system for infertility
• support system for being a resident's wife.
• an AWESOME supper club (we sure will miss them in KY)
• opportunities for "girl's nights" weekly- (a luxury some would die for)
• a great education
• the ability to read all of these wonderful books that are just waiting on me to read them.
• a healthy body
• last but not least- lots of accessories!!! Accessorize Excessively! LOL

A Prayer...

Nights are quiet...no pitter-patter on the hallway floor, no "night, night, Mommy," no "She hit me first" no bath, bottle or bed-time - only quiet times, empty bedrooms waiting for occasional guests and lonely dreams. Terms like ovulation, follicle, stem shot, egg retrievals and morphology have become household terms.
I have to admit that I never thought that C and I would experience infertility. God loved us too much to say no to such an innocent desire. He watched me play with my life-sized doll named Jennifer. He heard my prayers as I rocked those babies in college while their parents worked. He heard my wishes and dreams as I cared for the children in the neighborhood as a teenager. He watched as I cataloged each and every event in my life into a scrapbook for my future children. He knew that I wasn't doing that for myself. He saw every piece of unworn clothing and unread book that I have bought over the years for these little angels that I just knew that He would send. He sees my longing eyes as I look at the children that I care for daily.
But, after months and months of "no" for an answer, I feel infertile--barren and abandoned. I know for a fact that I am not abandoned- but I feel like I am at times.
So I pray:
Father, I am coming to the realization that you are totally in control of our life. It is hard to grasp at times. There is a longing deep inside of me that sincerely wants to give birth to a child--to be pregnant with C's baby and to be allowed the honored role of mother. Do you hear me? Do you understand my longing? You made me as I am.
You know I have spent hours rocking and caring for other people's children praying for the day that our baby would fill my arms. Father, I know You hear me; Your word promises me that. I also know You know me better than I know myself because You created me. And I know You are aware of my heart's desire. You create life. It is a mystery. Please create life in us!

the irony of it all... March 3rd (the day I go in for a pregnancy test)... is "National Pregnancy Day" Bahahaha! REALLY? The idea is that if you know someone that is pregnant you go help them out on that day. So, I am guessing if I am not pregnant, I will need to go help someone out. Wait...but who? Everyone that I know is pregnant???? I guess I will have to just draw straws. LOL
If by chance I am pregnant...well then....that would be all the "help" that I need!

What is a mother?

Mother: (by definition in Webster's dictionary)- "a female parent; a woman in authority; the superior of a religious community of women; an elderly woman; bearing the relation of a mother; to give birth to; to give rise to; to care for or protect like a mother.

WOW- this tells me that "motherhood" has to do with a lot more than the physical act of giving birth and raising a child. In doing my devotion this morning, I read a chapter out of my book called "Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility" about "the course of time" that occurs while waiting to become a mother. The message that I received was to be the "mother" that I can be now to the children that God puts into my life now until (and beyond) the day that C and I are blessed with a child in our home.

I read a story about a woman that had never married. She avoided the Mother's Day service at her church for 7 years because she so longed to be called a mother. She had dreamed of being a mother all of her life. The Sunday came when she felt that it was time to attend that dreaded "Mother's Day" service as a tool to aid in her own healing as a woman that would never become a mother. (she had recently had a hysterectomy in her early 40s) She forced herself up the steps of the church and into the parlor where she was greeted by an eager young boy handing out flowers to all of the mothers. She politely turned down the flower, telling the young boy that she was indeed, not a mother. She turned around with tear filled eyes to go up to the balcony when a woman her age, stopped her and said, "You most certainly ARE a mother- you are a spiritual mother and mentor to my daughter". The woman waved the little boy back over to the barren woman and with hands shaking- she accepted the flowers. She enjoyed, that day, her very first mother's day service.

God is telling me to be a mother now! I know that my life is full of children daily- but I am also so very irritated daily to have to work with these children, when all that I want is one of my own. So, no matter the outcome of this cycle, I have got to walk back into that classroom and love those children like they are my own...because, right now, they are.

Transfer

Yesterday was transfer day. C and I got up super early and were ready to go to the 11:30 appointment at around 8:30. ha. We decided to go run a few more errands. We got to the appt. at 11:00...and we waited and waited and waited and waited. At around 1:00- they finally called me back (the transfer was supposed to be at noon). I got all suited up....
and waited, and waited, and waited...please notice the water bottle in my hand. My bladder had to be full to do the procedure- so I was emptying and filling back up over and over and over again until they could finally get me back there. Dr. L was running behind and he wants to do his own transfers, which I respect, so we waited. C snapped this picture of me waiting- I wish I would have gotten one from egg retrieval day with the blood oxygen monitor, IVs and everything...but I have been put in the same bed EVERY time...even last round of IVF...I wonder if they plan that for comfort level, or if it just so happened to be that way.
Our little embryos looked great. Dr. L said that they were not fertilized by ICSI until late afternoon Wednesday- so they were really more like 4 day old blastocysts....I was a little put off my that at first, but Dr. L assured me that both were growing into 5AA blastocysts...they were still growing. So, they are growing inside of me now. I am "with child" until proven otherwise. The blastocysts were already hatching last time, so it through us off this time when we saw that they were not hatching yet. 9 of the other embryos were still doing well and dividing properly. The last little guy (the grade 3) was still struggling, and Dr. L doesn't think he is going to go anywhere from this point, but we are not giving up on him yet. I feel great...just lying around on the couch, enjoying the morning, watching Regis and Kelly. I can't wait to get to work and scan in the pictures of the babies that are inside of me now. Also, they do something different now, they give you a printed picture of the ultrasound where you can see the bright little dot where the embryos are placed in the uterus. very cool! Last time, I got a teddy bear...I would much rather have the picture!
I am working really hard on my attitude. I was so upbeat last time. I just knew that it was going to work. There was no question in my mind. I cannot feel that way this time. I am genuinely terrified of what may happen this time. I know that feeling that way is the exact apposite from how I should feel- but I just simply have to disconnect. I fell so in love last time- I can't do that this time. I just can't . I stared at the ceiling this morning wondering where we would go from here if it doesn't work this time. Can my body even carry a baby? What is the next step? Please, Please, Please thoughts...go away. Let me find a place in my spirit to rejoice in what has happened and rejoice in whatever may happen. I said so many prayers last time...I repeated prayers. C and I read a prayer every night having to do with conception. Those words being read this time make me cringe all over. Why? I guess I am being the bratastic brat that I am, and I am just mad that all of those prayers were not answered...or were they?...and I just don't realize it yet? I like to think of this analogy....When I am teaching, and the kids in my classroom start telling me how to do things, I get so very angry. I say these words, "I am the TEACHER...you are not...you let ME run this classroom." I feel like that is what God is saying to me right now. "I am your MASTER...you are not...you let ME run your life!" To which I lower my head and reply ...."Yes sir".

My thoughts at random...

...in no particular order.

Yesterday I started getting ready for transfer day! The big day is tomorrow! I have been hurting so bad since the egg retrieval and had no idea why. Well, last night, I drank a huge thing of coconut juice (a natural laxative) and some milk of magnesia...and I found out why I had been hurting. TMI I know! So- now I feel like a new person...still a little sore, but not in severe pain anymore. That is nice. I went to a birthday party yesterday for the boys next door. It is their 3rd birthday. They were infants when we moved here. How does time fly by so fast? I couldn't stay long because I was in pain (physically and emotionally) There were babies everywhere and children. I don't know why it hurt so bad considering that my day to day life is spent with children. My job IS children...so how do I deal? To be honest, my job hurts too, but I digress. So, I went to the party and saw the boys in the shirts that I made for them. I monogram. I learned how to do so for my future children. I am ready to monogram something for them. It hurts when I monogram. Once again, I digress. The party was super cute and "firetruck" themed. I left early to go run errands to get ready for the big transfer day tomorrow. I stocked up on several TV series that I have been wanting to catch up on, but never have the time. Well, looks like next week, I will have time. I am going to stay on modified bed rest for the rest of the week. Due to the nature of my job, which is most certainly NOT a desk job, I am using days that I have accumulated to stay at home until the pregnancy test. Considering that we spent almost half of my yearly salary on these IVF attempts- it seems that all cautions should be taken. I am excited about the break, but being on bed-rest is not at all glamorous...it is, in fact, boring. I am fully prepared this time, though. I have magazines galore, books and tons of DVDs! I am going to try to stay on a schedule though. I am planning on having my devotion time in the morning and letting that time last more than 15 minutes...a luxury that I do not have on a normal daily basis. I will read books and the Bible until lunch time, then watch DVDs...as to not have my brain completely fried by watching non-stop TV. I am hoping that those babies are doing well up at "embryo daycare". I am doing much better this time about not worrying. I think it is truly because, I have realized that I have nothing to worry about when God is in charge. I have been OH so relaxed this time (aside from the excruciating pain post egg retrieval). He has really laid His sweet hands on me and I can feel it. I can feel the power of His presence and His will for our life unfolding out in front of us. It will be amazing to see all that He is going to do. When will He do it? Well, that is not a question for us to ask...

So.....How are the kids???

Well...mine are just fine, thank you!
Speaking in terms of grades.... my kids are on the "Honor Roll"...maybe I should go out and get a bumper sticker! :)
grade 1- being excellent- textbook perfect.... A+
grade 2- being very good.... A-
grade 3- being good... B
(they are C's babies...of course they are smart!)
3 of our embabies scored an A+
8 of them scored a A-
1 scored a B
So, yes, I am a proud parent of children on the "honor roll"
The embryologist said that the whole "Baker's Dozen" was looking great! 11 of which are doing REALLY great! We won't give up on that 1 little one that is a grade 3 yet! Who knows, he or she could be the next president or a Doctor like it's daddy, or a teacher like it's momma. Only God knows the future of these children. Yes, they are my children in my eyes. I am a firm believer that life begins at conception. I remember crying the 1st time that we did IVF just knowing that for the first time Cal and I truly had a life form from US! I still feel that way and I still feel that the other babies that went to heaven are still a part of us.
When I get to work, I will scan in a picture of those babies on this post. I wasn't blogging on this blog when we lost them , and I do want to have a place to remember them. I know I never met them, but just the same we are connected.
C gave me a card for Vday that had 2 butterflies fluttering through the air. At the bottom...it said "Butterfly Dance". I stared at it for a while and thought of our 2 little butterflies. They fluttered in and out of our lives like 2 little butterflies. We have struggled with what to call the babies that went to heaven in December...and not just the "babies that we lost". They came for a reason, and I got pregnant for a reason. They fluttered in our lives to possibly save the lives of our other future children, by forcing us to do the necessary tests to learn that I am positive for the lupus anticoagulant antibody- that I have a blood clotting and thickening disease, and now we can do something to help with that. They fluttered in and out for a purpose...and that is why now we will refer to them as our "baby butterflies". They will always be with us in spirit.

Report...finally

I do want to recognize the funny congruence with the 17th being the day that C and I got married, the egg retrieval being on the 17th and 17 eggs being retrieved....funny! Well, I FINALLY got the fertilization report on those 17 eggs last night at 6:30. I carried my phone around with me all day, and of course, right when I left my sewing room and walked downstairs, the phone rang and I didn't hear it! ahhhhhh Fortunately, they called C's phone directly and the IVF nurse was ready to give us the news.

So, here it is....

Out of the 17 eggs, 13 were mature and out of those 13...12 fertilized.

So now we have, what C likes to call, "A Baker's Dozen".

Here is what our 12 little babies look like right now:
such cute little blobs....

Resting!

Yesterday, I had my egg retrieval. The last time I had an egg retrieval, it was not bad at all. I was even up and cooking dinner that night after retrieval. We were only able to retrieve 8 eggs that time....but this time, we were able to get 17 eggs!!!! That is good, considering that out of that 8, only 3 made it to transfer day, and only one made it to cryopreserve. So, I am thinking we will have a few more to cryopreserve. Along with those 17 eggs came a TON of extra pain while trying to retrieve. I could actually feel the needles going into my ovaries. The last thing I remember is the nurse shooting more "happy" medicine into my IV. After the procedure, I must have been wondering where C was, because the nurse kept saying, "Here he is, hun...here he is". Sweet C had to go take care of his side of the job while I was in surgery. I am not sure how he can mentally do that. C was fabulous taking care of me after the procedure. My blood oxygen monitor kept going crazy beeping every time that I would drift asleep after the surgery, and C kept making me wake up and take deep breaths. It would start beeping every 5 seconds. C was so sweet and stood there beside me for I don't know how long monitoring my breathing. Good thing he is a Doctor. ha. C had to go into the bathroom with me and dress me. I really don't remember getting dressed or the ride home. I do remember C going into CVS to get me crackers, sprite, and phenergan. The phenergan knocked me right out and I was able to sleep it off.
Since this is my way to document and remember everything, I am going to put a diagram up of what exactly egg retrieval looks like:
There is a monitor that goes in that is an ultrasound and then a needle goes through my uterus and into my ovaries. The follicles are then emptied of fluid and the egg obviously leaves with the fluid as well. I had 20 follicles and of those 20 we were able to obtain 17 eggs. I guess that is why today, I am feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. Really worse, it feels like I have been ripped open. It did NOT hurt at all last time- just a mild cramp. Obviously, every time is different.

I am excited that we got a better number this time though. I am at work now (teaching Kindergarten), and I am NOT being the best teacher that I can be. The kids are at Art class, and I am going to let them play at centers the rest of the day when they get back. We are planning something special for C- who is coming up to visit tomorrow on his birthday! The kids are soooooo excited!

Transfer will be on Monday, the 22nd of Feb. God has His hand on all of this...we are resting in Him.

My Normal...

I am hurting so so bad. I have 20 mature follicles and my estradiol is almost 3,000! OMG- For estradiol, they like to see at least a level of 200 for each mature follicle- so what does that tell you about my 3,000! oh my- my ovaries hurt! ha I am REALLY happy though that my body seems to be responding so much better this time. Here is a picture of what my ovaries look like:

and here is what a non-stimulated ovary looks like at the time of ovulation:

Do you see that ONE little stimulated follicle... WELL...I have TWENTY of those! ha

I am going in for my egg retrieval in the morning at 10:45. I can't eat anything after 12:00 tonight. With my retrieval being so late, I probably should eat something right before midnight tonight. That is only if I can stay up that late! I have been going to bed at around 7:00 or 7:30- and falling RIGHT to sleep. My body must be super busy!

C and I had supper club last night with some friends. We were having a great time after dinner just sitting and chatting, when, guess what? I had to leave early, because I had to do my timed trigger shot and I felt like I was going to fall asleep right there in that chair. I feel abnormal- I really feel like I am disabled sometimes, although I know that is not the case. I keep thinking that I want my life to be "normal" again. But, what is normal? Maybe this IS my normal. My normal is leaving dinner parties before everyone else to go give myself shots. My normal is looking at every mother and wondering if she truly knows how blessed she is. My normal is waking up every morning wondering what God has in store next. My normal is freaking out over the cost of meds and then having to listen to my husband throw a hissy about it, then apologize about it later. My normal is wanting to cry every time a parent doesn't show up for their child's parent/teacher conference because they are proving to me that they do not know the blessing that they have. My normal is watching bellies grow all around me and wondering if I will ever feel the beautiful feeling of my belly stretching and little movements inside of me. My normal is looking on the computer every day to see if yet another person is due to give birth to their own miracle, and then holding back the tears with the happiness that I truly do have for that person. My normal is friends starting to not call, people stopping listening, and family obviously getting tired of the ride that I am on. Well, I am getting tired too people. I am not talking about it anymore, I am putting on a smile and when the pregnant friend that works in the room beside me turns her head and looks away when talk of infertility is broached- I will smile- knowing that she just doesn't know- she will never know. My normal is making me thankful and I am grateful for that!

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds. James 1:2

Happy Valentines Day

I went BACK to the Doctor this morning. They measured my follies and they I qualified to trigger tonight, but given my past history of only 8 eggs retrieved last time- Dr. L decided to have me stem one more night and trigger tomorrow night. I will have to go back into the office in the morning for anther ultrasound. I have successfully been up the ART program 3 days in a row. I will have my egg retrieval on Feb. 17th. I like the "17th"- C and I were married on the 17th. We have always had something for the number 7. (I started stem meds on the 7th hmmm). So, another round of stem meds tonight and back to the Doctor's office in the morning. Thank GOD for an understanding boss. I just don't know what I would do without the people that I work with . They have been utterly amazing!


C and I had a great Vday- the church service was great and C even got to miss all of the singing that those Baptists do. haha C brought me a dozen roses, chocolates and a sweeeet card. We had a great lunch at SUMO and I had an afternoon of monogramming. An all around good Sunday afternoon. Oh...and Ava got to go to the beauty shop- although she does NOT like the beauty shop like I do! ha

The Call....that we all dread

This morning, I went in for my follicle "check up". I am having a much better response this time than last IVF. Dr. L was really disappointed with my only having 8 eggs retrieved. This time, I already have 8 that are measurable and it is only stem day 7, which means that I have only had 6 days of meds. I give my shots in the afternoon. Here is what a day in my life looks like:

I borrowed this image from a friend's blog- who is going to the same Dr. as me- and we pretty much have the same protocol. (She is pregnant now- by the way! YAY) All of this is going to be so worth it. We know that. We have no doubts that God is at work. But, like I said, with my new definition of Faith- it doesn't matter if it works this time of not- all that matters is that we are doing what we feel led to do and God will Bless us no matter what- whatever happens will be His plan- and I am OK with that now! :)

I do want to rant a bit about something that happened this morning while sitting in the fertility clinic. It was 8:00 in the morning and my "big sister" - we will call her "AP" from my sorority from college is calling me- I knew immediately what the news was going to be- I am sure that you already know too while reading this. This girl is the most superficial person I have ever met in my life. She broke her neck while in college and I moved in with her to help her. She kicked me out of her house after I paraded myself and my boyfriend down to New Orleans to watch her and her arrogant self be the Mardi Gras queen of whatever crew she was in. I left the ball early because my sick boyfriend needed to go home. She got mad, and literally kicked me out. Needless to say, our relationship never revitalized- but we still talk. She apologized half-heartedly some years later at my "twin-sister's" wedding (twin sister in the sorority- AP had two "little sisters" if that makes sense). I, of course, accepted the apology. C and I traipsed down to her wedding where we were barely acknowledged. AP and her husband have suffered many ups and downs in the past 2 years- they have even gotten a divorce, tried to sale their home, fought over alimony, were unfaithful to one another, and ended up back together. So, now that I have caught up to speed to who exactly AP is...I will go back to the story at hand. So, she called this morning while I was sitting in the very quiet waiting room at the fertility clinic and screamed at the top of her lungs (you guessed it) "I'M PREGNANT!!!" I think every eye in that room turned to me with despair, because trust me, everyone heard what she said. Some looks said, "get out of this waiting room with that awful phone call", and some looks said, "poor thing- I know what you are feeling". I chose to focus on the latter of the looks and take the phone call out in the hallway. I acted excited and did all that I could to not burst out in tears. I told her of our recent miscarriage- and she proved to have not grown up one bit. She said, "Oh really- well I am so excited. I just had 2 positive pregnancy tests- and those things don't lie".

Oh, really....

Well, for her sake, I really hope that they don't.

Some would say, "What a cruel joke, I can't believe you received that phone call in the middle of your appointment at the fertility clinic."

I say, "God is making me stronger with each second of every day- He must have a lot in store for me and C"

a lot has happened...

...since i last wrote on this blog- i seemed to have forgotten of it's existence. I really tried to keep my mind off of everything. I tried to "come out" as an infertile on my family blog- but then had too many random people coming up to me at dinner parties that I really didn't want to know about our situation proclaiming that they have been "praying" for us. I was thinking in the shower the other day- "Wait- you started a blog in April under C's name that is perfectly private"- yay! I need a place to vent and I can't talk about this to anybody anymore- not even my mom really- she starts in preaching about "getting in the backseat" (a proverbial place to be while God is driving the car) - I get it- I really do, and I am sitting back there- I have been sitting back there for a LONG time now- and I want to stay back there for the rest of my life and let HIM drive- Let's just say, I don't really like the way He is going right now, I think that he should have gone a different way- but my thoughts are not HIS thoughts and my ways are not HIS ways. But, you know what, I know that He is going the right way, because He would never take me the wrong way- I am learning a whole new meaning of Faith through this- I want to really be able to expound about that on this blog. Faith to me used to be saying a prayer and truly believing that He would answer it- Faith no longer means that to me anymore. Faith is not believing that He can, or He will, or even that He has the ability- it is SIMPLY- resting in the fact that He has your life in the palm of His hands- no specific prayer has to be said- nothing- because I DON'T HAVE TO! God already has it all perfectly laid out for us. All we have to do is rest in the that fact- THAT is what Faith is- just a total peace in what God has planned for your life- "letting go of the proverbial steering wheel- and relaxing in His presence". It doesn't matter what I do, say or think- God's will for our life will come to pass- and it will be good- it will be immeasurably more than we could have asked for or imagined. I view it like this- When we do have these children- I am going to want those children to be able to lay their heads down on their pillows every night and know that I am going to take care of them- they have not a thing to worry about, because mommy and daddy are going to take care of it- those children will have faith in us to provide for and to care for them. That is all that God wants of us- He just wants us to know that He will provide for us and care for us- he wants us to relinquish control- it is that simple (but really hard to do). I just re-read the post that I put up in April- it is almost funny- I was so bitter- it is amazing how much God has done in my my life and how much I feel like I have grown since just last April. Reading that post is like reading something that somebody I don't even know wrote- wow- I do not even know that girl from April of 09.

I have caught up my side-bar as to all that has happened between April and now. We have been through more injections, IUIs (inter uterine insemination's), and more pain. I thought for sure by now the pain would be over- but it is not.
We went through our first IVF (in-vitro fertilization) in December of last year. We were able to get pregnant with a precious baby- but lost the baby soon after we learned of he or she's existence. We did learn from that pregnancy, a life-changing fact from a series of tests that were ran. We did a full thrombosis panel- and come to find out I tested positive for the lupus anticoagulant antibody and a protein S deficiency- both of which clot and thicken my blood. This is a very possible reason that we lost baby "A".
I am now on IVF cycle number 2 and just got back from an ultrasound to check my progress. I will start my blogging from that point.