The Same: yesterday, today and forever

Matthew 6:27
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

I am clinging to this verse today as I wait to hear the results from the pregnancy test. I have no idea what today might bring. It may be one of the best days of my life...or it may be the worst. What a strange feeling to know that one little phone call is going to change my life forever. Whatever the answer is...my life will be different. I am not sure where we will go from here if the answer is no: Will we take a different route in becoming parents? Will we try again? Can I do this again? All of these questions God will answer in due time. I know that I will not be able to answer these questions today. I feel dizzy- like I did on my wedding day. I felt such a peace that day- a peace that passes understanding. I feel that same peace today. It is almost surreal. I didn't feel this way last time. I was in such a tizzy I couldn't even talk. Thank you God for sending your peace. Worry will not change the message that I will recieve on that phone call today- nor will worrying about when they will call. Nothing will change the outcome.
I read this today during devotion time and wanted to post it as to be able to keep it. God is good ALL of the time!

You’ve all seen them. Those commercials that interrupt your favorite
television program. Intimate glimpses into the blissful interactions of parent
and infant. An awestruck toddler discovering the wonder of a frog. A bald,
gurgling baby gleefully splashing as she is bathed in the kitchen sink. Yes, the
voiceover on the commercial is correct. “Having a baby changes
everything.”

Every time I hear that line, I also hear the anguished cry of millions
infertile women: “Yeah? Well, not having a baby changes everything too!”

Infertility brings many life changes. Your dreams change. Your view of your
future changes. Your plans change. Even your vacations change! After all, you
can’t go rock climbing during that dreaded two week wait--just in case!

But there one thing that will never change, even through the ups and downs
of infertility. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

The same Jesus who wept with Mary and Martha when their hearts were broken,
weeps with you as you stare brokenhearted at another negative pregnancy test.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

The same Jesus who wouldn’t let go of Peter’s hand when the storm raged on
is the same Jesus who holds you tight every time someone else announces a
pregnancy. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Through your changed dreams and plans, through the changing seasons of your
infertility, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

He will remain forever steady and unchanging, even as the calendar changes
from month to month and year to year.Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and
today and forever.

I Will!

I have been praying so hard for God to speak to me like He did when I was a little girl. I have been begging daily- but I really haven't been able to grasp on to His voice this week. I have to add on example of how God spoke to me as a little girl.

(One particular instance stands out when I was about 5 years old. I asked God what I could do to not get in trouble in Kindergarten anymore. I remember this like it was yesterday. He said, "Be more tranquil". I had no idea what tranquil meant. My mother also did not know and had to go look it up when I asked her what it meant. He also gave me a really blunt answer when I was not much older than the last event. I remember asking my mom how I would know that God is real. A common question for an inquiring child. I remember my mother telling me that she could not tell me the answer to that question, that God would tell me the answer. "But how will he tell me an answer if I don't even know that He is real?" I remember sitting by myself, and like a slap in the face...the verse popped out at me..."I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last"...Well...there you go...He told me!) I can't say that there hasn't been other times throughout my life that I have wondered...but I have always been able to remember that day. That day that He let me know that He was real- without a shadow of a doubt.)

He spoke to me like that often. Those are just a few examples. What happens as we get older? Do our ears close off to that still, small voice that was so easily heard in childhood? Our ears and spirits are so pure and clean then...is that why it was so much easier to hear? Maybe so- or just maybe as we get older we just forget how to listen. We have so much time in quiet as a child (or at least I did as an only child). Maybe we forget what His voice sounds like. I heard it once during this trial that we are in right now. About a year ago I ran into the bathroom at my school unable to breath from the pain that was going all through me. I had to go somewhere where no one would see me, where no one would ask me if I was OK, and then proceed to tell me "not to worry about it- your time is coming". I couldn't see another child- I couldn't take another step. I felt like my whole world was crashing down on me and it seemed that everyone around me was receiving the only thing that I have ever dreamed of. I sat in the bathroom sobbing when I heard an audible, tangible voice. "You will be a mom". That was it- that is all that I heard and then it was over. A wave of peace swept over me from head to toe and as I cry and type this another wave of peace is sweeping over me now. I also remember lying in bed this summer before we started injections, crying and scared. I was alone. Cal was on-call. I was scared, alone, and confused. I felt the heat and pressure of a Hand on my back as I lie sobbing in bed. Again, the Lord comforted me with such a simple gesture- a gesture that said to me "You are going to be OK." It reminded me of that day in the bathroom.
I have been feeling lately as if the Lord is asking me to be willing to give up the desire to become a mom. I don't mean give it up as in "giving it to Him"...I mean GIVE IT UP- as a sacrifice. Abraham put his only son Isaac on the alter as a living sacrifice. That was the most important thing in the world to him- a son that he waited years for. Am I willing to give up the most important thing to me? The thing that makes up my identity? The only thing that I ever wanted to do "when I grew up" ? I will be honest- I am not there completely. I did sob and tell God that I would go where He leads me. If He doesn't want me and C to be parents- then we will do what He wants us to do. I can't honestly say that I wouldn't be happy about that existence- but God will make me happy. He will do immeasurably more than I can imagine. Those were the hardest words to get out of my mouth- but I said them- and I meant them. "God, if you do not want me to be a mother- then OK- I will do whatever YOU want me to do". I cried and repeated the words "I will". I am praying daily that my desires become His desires. It is so easy to get them confused. I keep remembering the apropos words in the song that was sung at our wedding.

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?

I have heard you calling in the night.

I will go, Lord, if you lead me.

I will hold your people in my heart.

I will not, however, forget the promise that was made to me in that bathroom at work in one of my deepest darkest hours.

Count Your Blessings!

I started a group a year ago called "Turning Pain into Praise" at my church. That group is now called "Hannah's Friends". I am so grateful that God prompted me to do such a thing. C and I had only been trying to get pregnant for 8 months at the time and I was scared, embarrassed, and humiliated to try to start such a group. It has only been 8 months, are we really infertile? Are people going to think I am crazy? Are there really any other women that would seek comfort in a group like this? I couldn't stop thinking about it though...I knew that God was leading me to do this. Although, we had been trying for what seems now like such a short time- the pain was still the same. The longing was still there, and surely other people had that same longing. I struggle with the group now, because it seems that some people are afraid to come. When people do come it is only about 4 to 5 of us. But- I am started to see through numerous new emails from ladies that are developing the courage to join us and the friendship and bond that has formed now between the ladies that have been coming for a while that this is something that God truly had his hand on. He gave us this group. I am leaving in about 4 months, and I am hoping and praying that someone will want to take over and continue this group at our church. I think it will be so important.
That said...I was thinking about the 1st title that God brought to my heart "Turning Pain into Praise". Isn't that all that He really wants from us...just our praise? It seems that everything in my devotional time with C and my devotion time by myself is pointing to this fact: Praise first...then prayers will be answers...everything else will fall into place when Praise is put first. C and I lied in bed the other night counting our blessings. It was surely an uplifting feeling- we put everything aside and just started thanking God for things in our life.

Count your Blessings...count them one by one. Count your Blessings...see what God has done!

• a wonderful relationship with Christ
• an amazing husband
• wonderful family- a mom and dad that would do anything for me and I for them
• cutest and sweetest Yorkie in the world
• amazing friends! A girl simply could not ask for more when it comes to my friends
• a roof over my head
• food to eat
• an amazing job
• wonderful co-workers
• fabulous principals
• nice cars to drive
• both of us employed
• great job in KY for C to look forward to next year
• an opportunity to not frantically look for a job next year
• a beautiful home and backyard- our little swing overlooking Shannon Valley
• a cozy bed
• warm water
• closet FULL of clothes and shoes....that C would LOVE to see me empty (ha...he can keep dreaming- my mom can attest to that )
• opportunity to relax this week and not have to work while still being paid.
• support system for infertility
• support system for being a resident's wife.
• an AWESOME supper club (we sure will miss them in KY)
• opportunities for "girl's nights" weekly- (a luxury some would die for)
• a great education
• the ability to read all of these wonderful books that are just waiting on me to read them.
• a healthy body
• last but not least- lots of accessories!!! Accessorize Excessively! LOL

A Prayer...

Nights are quiet...no pitter-patter on the hallway floor, no "night, night, Mommy," no "She hit me first" no bath, bottle or bed-time - only quiet times, empty bedrooms waiting for occasional guests and lonely dreams. Terms like ovulation, follicle, stem shot, egg retrievals and morphology have become household terms.
I have to admit that I never thought that C and I would experience infertility. God loved us too much to say no to such an innocent desire. He watched me play with my life-sized doll named Jennifer. He heard my prayers as I rocked those babies in college while their parents worked. He heard my wishes and dreams as I cared for the children in the neighborhood as a teenager. He watched as I cataloged each and every event in my life into a scrapbook for my future children. He knew that I wasn't doing that for myself. He saw every piece of unworn clothing and unread book that I have bought over the years for these little angels that I just knew that He would send. He sees my longing eyes as I look at the children that I care for daily.
But, after months and months of "no" for an answer, I feel infertile--barren and abandoned. I know for a fact that I am not abandoned- but I feel like I am at times.
So I pray:
Father, I am coming to the realization that you are totally in control of our life. It is hard to grasp at times. There is a longing deep inside of me that sincerely wants to give birth to a child--to be pregnant with C's baby and to be allowed the honored role of mother. Do you hear me? Do you understand my longing? You made me as I am.
You know I have spent hours rocking and caring for other people's children praying for the day that our baby would fill my arms. Father, I know You hear me; Your word promises me that. I also know You know me better than I know myself because You created me. And I know You are aware of my heart's desire. You create life. It is a mystery. Please create life in us!

the irony of it all... March 3rd (the day I go in for a pregnancy test)... is "National Pregnancy Day" Bahahaha! REALLY? The idea is that if you know someone that is pregnant you go help them out on that day. So, I am guessing if I am not pregnant, I will need to go help someone out. Wait...but who? Everyone that I know is pregnant???? I guess I will have to just draw straws. LOL
If by chance I am pregnant...well then....that would be all the "help" that I need!

What is a mother?

Mother: (by definition in Webster's dictionary)- "a female parent; a woman in authority; the superior of a religious community of women; an elderly woman; bearing the relation of a mother; to give birth to; to give rise to; to care for or protect like a mother.

WOW- this tells me that "motherhood" has to do with a lot more than the physical act of giving birth and raising a child. In doing my devotion this morning, I read a chapter out of my book called "Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility" about "the course of time" that occurs while waiting to become a mother. The message that I received was to be the "mother" that I can be now to the children that God puts into my life now until (and beyond) the day that C and I are blessed with a child in our home.

I read a story about a woman that had never married. She avoided the Mother's Day service at her church for 7 years because she so longed to be called a mother. She had dreamed of being a mother all of her life. The Sunday came when she felt that it was time to attend that dreaded "Mother's Day" service as a tool to aid in her own healing as a woman that would never become a mother. (she had recently had a hysterectomy in her early 40s) She forced herself up the steps of the church and into the parlor where she was greeted by an eager young boy handing out flowers to all of the mothers. She politely turned down the flower, telling the young boy that she was indeed, not a mother. She turned around with tear filled eyes to go up to the balcony when a woman her age, stopped her and said, "You most certainly ARE a mother- you are a spiritual mother and mentor to my daughter". The woman waved the little boy back over to the barren woman and with hands shaking- she accepted the flowers. She enjoyed, that day, her very first mother's day service.

God is telling me to be a mother now! I know that my life is full of children daily- but I am also so very irritated daily to have to work with these children, when all that I want is one of my own. So, no matter the outcome of this cycle, I have got to walk back into that classroom and love those children like they are my own...because, right now, they are.

Transfer

Yesterday was transfer day. C and I got up super early and were ready to go to the 11:30 appointment at around 8:30. ha. We decided to go run a few more errands. We got to the appt. at 11:00...and we waited and waited and waited and waited. At around 1:00- they finally called me back (the transfer was supposed to be at noon). I got all suited up....
and waited, and waited, and waited...please notice the water bottle in my hand. My bladder had to be full to do the procedure- so I was emptying and filling back up over and over and over again until they could finally get me back there. Dr. L was running behind and he wants to do his own transfers, which I respect, so we waited. C snapped this picture of me waiting- I wish I would have gotten one from egg retrieval day with the blood oxygen monitor, IVs and everything...but I have been put in the same bed EVERY time...even last round of IVF...I wonder if they plan that for comfort level, or if it just so happened to be that way.
Our little embryos looked great. Dr. L said that they were not fertilized by ICSI until late afternoon Wednesday- so they were really more like 4 day old blastocysts....I was a little put off my that at first, but Dr. L assured me that both were growing into 5AA blastocysts...they were still growing. So, they are growing inside of me now. I am "with child" until proven otherwise. The blastocysts were already hatching last time, so it through us off this time when we saw that they were not hatching yet. 9 of the other embryos were still doing well and dividing properly. The last little guy (the grade 3) was still struggling, and Dr. L doesn't think he is going to go anywhere from this point, but we are not giving up on him yet. I feel great...just lying around on the couch, enjoying the morning, watching Regis and Kelly. I can't wait to get to work and scan in the pictures of the babies that are inside of me now. Also, they do something different now, they give you a printed picture of the ultrasound where you can see the bright little dot where the embryos are placed in the uterus. very cool! Last time, I got a teddy bear...I would much rather have the picture!
I am working really hard on my attitude. I was so upbeat last time. I just knew that it was going to work. There was no question in my mind. I cannot feel that way this time. I am genuinely terrified of what may happen this time. I know that feeling that way is the exact apposite from how I should feel- but I just simply have to disconnect. I fell so in love last time- I can't do that this time. I just can't . I stared at the ceiling this morning wondering where we would go from here if it doesn't work this time. Can my body even carry a baby? What is the next step? Please, Please, Please thoughts...go away. Let me find a place in my spirit to rejoice in what has happened and rejoice in whatever may happen. I said so many prayers last time...I repeated prayers. C and I read a prayer every night having to do with conception. Those words being read this time make me cringe all over. Why? I guess I am being the bratastic brat that I am, and I am just mad that all of those prayers were not answered...or were they?...and I just don't realize it yet? I like to think of this analogy....When I am teaching, and the kids in my classroom start telling me how to do things, I get so very angry. I say these words, "I am the TEACHER...you are not...you let ME run this classroom." I feel like that is what God is saying to me right now. "I am your MASTER...you are not...you let ME run your life!" To which I lower my head and reply ...."Yes sir".