I Will!

I have been praying so hard for God to speak to me like He did when I was a little girl. I have been begging daily- but I really haven't been able to grasp on to His voice this week. I have to add on example of how God spoke to me as a little girl.

(One particular instance stands out when I was about 5 years old. I asked God what I could do to not get in trouble in Kindergarten anymore. I remember this like it was yesterday. He said, "Be more tranquil". I had no idea what tranquil meant. My mother also did not know and had to go look it up when I asked her what it meant. He also gave me a really blunt answer when I was not much older than the last event. I remember asking my mom how I would know that God is real. A common question for an inquiring child. I remember my mother telling me that she could not tell me the answer to that question, that God would tell me the answer. "But how will he tell me an answer if I don't even know that He is real?" I remember sitting by myself, and like a slap in the face...the verse popped out at me..."I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last"...Well...there you go...He told me!) I can't say that there hasn't been other times throughout my life that I have wondered...but I have always been able to remember that day. That day that He let me know that He was real- without a shadow of a doubt.)

He spoke to me like that often. Those are just a few examples. What happens as we get older? Do our ears close off to that still, small voice that was so easily heard in childhood? Our ears and spirits are so pure and clean then...is that why it was so much easier to hear? Maybe so- or just maybe as we get older we just forget how to listen. We have so much time in quiet as a child (or at least I did as an only child). Maybe we forget what His voice sounds like. I heard it once during this trial that we are in right now. About a year ago I ran into the bathroom at my school unable to breath from the pain that was going all through me. I had to go somewhere where no one would see me, where no one would ask me if I was OK, and then proceed to tell me "not to worry about it- your time is coming". I couldn't see another child- I couldn't take another step. I felt like my whole world was crashing down on me and it seemed that everyone around me was receiving the only thing that I have ever dreamed of. I sat in the bathroom sobbing when I heard an audible, tangible voice. "You will be a mom". That was it- that is all that I heard and then it was over. A wave of peace swept over me from head to toe and as I cry and type this another wave of peace is sweeping over me now. I also remember lying in bed this summer before we started injections, crying and scared. I was alone. Cal was on-call. I was scared, alone, and confused. I felt the heat and pressure of a Hand on my back as I lie sobbing in bed. Again, the Lord comforted me with such a simple gesture- a gesture that said to me "You are going to be OK." It reminded me of that day in the bathroom.
I have been feeling lately as if the Lord is asking me to be willing to give up the desire to become a mom. I don't mean give it up as in "giving it to Him"...I mean GIVE IT UP- as a sacrifice. Abraham put his only son Isaac on the alter as a living sacrifice. That was the most important thing in the world to him- a son that he waited years for. Am I willing to give up the most important thing to me? The thing that makes up my identity? The only thing that I ever wanted to do "when I grew up" ? I will be honest- I am not there completely. I did sob and tell God that I would go where He leads me. If He doesn't want me and C to be parents- then we will do what He wants us to do. I can't honestly say that I wouldn't be happy about that existence- but God will make me happy. He will do immeasurably more than I can imagine. Those were the hardest words to get out of my mouth- but I said them- and I meant them. "God, if you do not want me to be a mother- then OK- I will do whatever YOU want me to do". I cried and repeated the words "I will". I am praying daily that my desires become His desires. It is so easy to get them confused. I keep remembering the apropos words in the song that was sung at our wedding.

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?

I have heard you calling in the night.

I will go, Lord, if you lead me.

I will hold your people in my heart.

I will not, however, forget the promise that was made to me in that bathroom at work in one of my deepest darkest hours.